Two things I recently learned about driving..

The next time a police officer pulls you over for going 90 mi/hr on the freeway, tell him that you didn't realize you were driving that fast, because you were SO FOCUSED ON GETTING YOUR 1 YR TO FINALLY TAKE HER AFTERNOON NAP!!!! *bReaTh*BrEaTh*bReAtH* whenwilltheangelfoodcakeintheovenbedonedamnit!

sorry, let's try that again.

The next time a police officer pulls you over for speeding, tell him that you were in the middle of velocitating. When he gives you a confused and annoyed look, tell him that you recently learned the term "velocitation" which occurs when you unconsciously go too fast on the freeway. But don't tell him that you learned that from the traffic school you recently went to for the last speeding ticket you got. 

Yesterday I was driving home from another outing with little asian baby and my sister, and she told me that phrase, because when I looked down at my speedometer I was going 90mi/hr. When I asked how she had known that term, she said she learned it at traffic school. When I asked her why she had gone to traffic school, (our conversations move at a snails pace as you can see) she told me that actually my mother had the traffic school and she just picked up a few things here and there. She also told me (in the same sentence) that my father had gotten a ticket the same week that my mother did, by the same cop, at the same intersection.....(deduce from this information what you will about my own driving skills.) I hope the city of Norwalk appreciates the effort my family is doing to up their city's revenue. You're welcome!

So velocitation is the first thing I learned about driving this week. The second thing I learned is that semi trucks are not only useful for transporting cheap, made in china knock offs to department stores and swap meets, but also for providing shade cover while driving in 108 degree weather. So next time you see a semi truck, drive up along side it! Give the truck driver a friendly wave of appreciation! Enjoy the shady cover and watch your cars' temperature reading thingy go down. (mine went down a whole 5 degrees during my 10 min ride!) Never mind the annoyed and confused looks that the other drivers will most likely give you, because you're driving erratically. Just let them speed angrily by, at least you're cooler (literally and figuratively) than them! Just hope that they know the term "velocitation", because they'll probably get pulled over for speeding and I'm sure the excuse "sorry officer I didn't know I was speeding because I was looking at this little asian girl driving next to a semi truck" will NOT get them off the hook. 

drive safely and stay cool!

-little asian girl!

a million dollar idea~

Have you ever smelled a baby right when they wake up from a nap or first thing in the morning? I mean after you get past the HUGE pee diaper smell and the possible sweat head smell that babies have because they SWEAT LIKE CRAZY while sleeping. (seriously, it's like someone secretly gave them a bath during the night!) The "I just woke up from sleeping" smell is IN-TOX-I-CAAT-ING. It's sweet, warm, soft, cuddly, and just utterly AMAZING. It's like if love could have a smell, it would be that of a baby who just woke up. And although my very smart 7 year old niece told me that "all babies smell the same you know auntie.." Those of you with kids know what I'm talking about.

So if I could bottle the scent of a baby I would, and I'm almost 10000% sure that I would be a millionaire in a week. I probably wouldn't even need a fancy bottle or Kim Kardashian to pose half naked in a mosquito infested jungle with a snake wrapped around her ass. I'd just put it in a plastic bottle with a picture of a cute baby on it and people would line up in droves to buy it. 

Trust me. 

Someone should do this. 

If you need some market research, just go to a park or your local gymboree and see all the intoxicated parents walking around sniffing their kids heads. Why do you think they invented those devices to carry your kid around in. It's not to be "hands free" while still carrying your baby, it's so that their heads can be closer to your nose so you can get your fix anytime. It's like crack I tell ya!

.....

........

...........?

*just had to go and get my fix...little asian baby is napping....smells great!**

I totally would pursue this idea myself, but little asian baby won't let me take scent samples from her head. And I'm sure if it got out what I was trying to do, I would end up in the court of public opinion along side those crazy toddlers and tiara's moms being accused of child exploitation. Except I wouldn't be guilty of hopping my kid up with pixie sticks and red bull. (Seriously some body SHOULD call CPS on them, that's just some horrible parenting) 

Seriously people. I'm giving away a million dollars here.

Good luck!

-little asian girl 

"oh shat~"

My mother was not born here in America. She immigrated here when she was 22, so English is NOT her first language. Here are some HIL-A-RI-OUS things that she says, that may offend anyone who might be eavesdropping on us behind a hidden wall. (I don't know where that came from... I'm watching some crime drama on TV right now and it's subconsciously filtering into my mind....) here goes.

"shitted" : she means shredded. I know this because the word "cheese" or "lettuce" usually comes after it. Whether she uses it in the other way I never asked.

"feesha": No it's not the name of a new crazy haired, bubble dress wearing artist P-diddy is "molding" into the next hot thing. She means fuschia. The color.

"polish": This one she actually used when she first immigrated here and she really didn't know any English. She meant police. My aunt told me a story of my mom trying to say "police" to her sisters and after being frustrated that they didn't understand her, she proceeded to use hand gestures to describe a siren accompanied by sound effects. (you can use your imagination with this one...) And after being pulled over several times in her 35 years in America, she now knows how to pronounce it. PO-LEESE

"oh shat": she means "oh shit"....I'm 100% sure

"the bitch": she means "the beach".....I'm 87% sure..

"DOO!!!": she proclaimed triumphantly and loudly. She meant "duh". we laughed. loudly. and for a long time.

I guess I shouldn't really make fun of dear little asian mom. I mean, I once thought that the name Paul was spelled Pole.

Butt I wuz in da sixth grayde so giv me a brake!

-litl azun gurl

cakes and crafts~

So along with child rearing and blogging, my other hobbies include cooking and crafting. And although I am not a novice baker, I am a novice cake decorator and that's why you can see all of the off set spatula marks on my cakes. I do have to say though that I am an EXPERT crafter, and if I could just figure out how to get on that TLC show Craft Wars, I would. So if you ever run into Tori Spelling on Rodeo Drive or someone asks you "Hey do you know anyone who wants to be on Craft Wars?" Tell them little asian girl is interested.  Also, if you ever came to my house I would show you my dedicated "craft room/area" and show you my vats of scrapbooking paper and craft supplies. I have enough foam, glue, glitter and paint to rebuild hansel and gretel's house into P-diddy's mansion. Anyways, here are some pictures of the latest things I baked and some pictures of craft things i made here and there~ OH, and some pictures of little asian baby's first birthday.

lemon blueberry cake with lemon icing. 

ombre (or as my hubby affectionately calls it...tye dye) vanilla cake

Lavender and lemon cake. I was trying to practice the frosting technique with this one.

baby bird cupcakes for a baby shower

flag cake for this past fourth of July

wedding favors for my best friend's wedding 

paper topiaries for little O's 1st birthday!

the party we had at our house for little asian baby's friends

the cookies were NOT tasty, because of the royal icing I used..but at least they were cute!

I bought this handy little pom pom making contraption thing at michael's to make these

I just snatched ALL the paint sample swatches from home depot in every color I wanted to make these. My mom said it was very "ballsy" of me....that's how I roll mom. Ballsy. 

I used the hearts that I punched from the paint swatch cards as "confetti" on the table

cupcakes I made for the family birthday party. Yes yes , we had two parties. Oh and that's little asian baby in her little Korean dress and asian husband. (he's not like little)

So here is a little look into our world! Can you tell I just learned how to post photos to my blog and that's why I photo-bombed you!

-little asian girl

"You can't be funny everyday~"

Is what my mom said to me. I was lamenting about how, since now I have TONS of followers on this little blog of mine, I feel pressure not to disappoint. I feel like every post should contain the same amount of wit, candor, confusion, and humor that my readers have come to expect. I'M TRYING TO SET A STANDARD HERE PEOPLE!!! I think it was my mom's attempt to encourage me or something, but even as I write this post a day later, I'm still not sure...

I got to thinking about how a lot of good things self destruct from the pressures of fame and fortune. Heroes, The Office, Lindsay Lohan....all cut down at the pinnacle of their success because they couldn't hack it! (I know The Office is still on, but ever since Steve Carrell left I feel the show has gone down the deep dark tunnel that leads to cancellation and not syndication) And although fortune from my blog currently eludes me, I am becoming pretty famous.... (HA! is heard around orange county were all of my followers currently reside...how sad. I don't even have any followers outside one county.) Anyways, the point is, I hope that I can keep entertaining my audience with the random stories of my life, and I am totally always appreciative of the time and effort it takes to read someone's blog after a busy day.

So if you see a lifetime movie where Lucy Liu plays a crazy little asian girl who once had a successful start to a blog but became another bloggywood statistic and was overcome by her addiction to cupcakes and all things sparkly you should know that they're talking about me. But I guess until that happens, I'll keep on writing this blog and remember what my mom said.

OR I'll just copy and paste the address to this post after every future post I write.

-little asian girl

"No one ever starved because they were too smart!"

Is what my grandmother told me when I said little asian baby isn't much like a baby at all. She seems more like a very small, kid. I mean i know she's a "kid" but she just seems more mature than a 1 yr old should be. (and I'm not just saying this because she's my kid, TWO other people have said it as well, so it must be true.) Anyway, my grandmother always tells me weird things like that when I voice concerns about little asian baby.

Me: "Grandma, I'm kind of worried that she's not eating much"
Grandma: "No one ever lost a race because they were too thin!"

Me: "Grandma, I'm kind of worried she's not talking yet"
Grandma: "No one ever got into trouble because they didn't talk much!"

Me: "Grandma, I'm kind of worried she doesn't poop everyday"
Grandma: "Nothing goes in, so nothing comes out!"

????HUH???? What you say???

yeah, that's the look I give her a lot of the times. Things must get lost in translation....or she's just losing her mind now that she's 79. My grandmother. Oh how I love her. She is my mother's mother and little asian baby's great grandmother. She is fiery, sharp as a tack, loving, caring, raised 5 kids of her own BUT she also wouldn't hesitate to cut you in a knife fight, so..... Oh and the woman can grow ANYTHING. Talk about green thumb, she is a giant green appendage! She once put an avocado seed into a cup with some water and gravel and it grew into a plant. She also recently put a yam half into a glass with water; it sprouted and the plant has grown so tall that she has tethered it to a wire up against the wall.

Fire hazard anyone?

Do I smell toasted yams?
YuM!
Oh wait no...it's just grandma's house.

We're lucky to have her in our lives.

-little asian girl

"You still have a choice! SAVE YOURSELF!"

Is what I said to my husband today while we were driving to my in laws. No, it wasn't that he could jump out of the car before getting there. (my in laws are great btw, great parents, grandparents and in laws to our little asian family so i'm just being dramatic) We were talking about how we never get "alone" time...AND BEFORE YOUR MIND STARTS GOING IN THE GUTTER!!!!! (geez..ppl! read a newspaper or watch some CNN!) I am referring to "alone" time as time for each of us to spend by ourselves. alone. Without each other or little asian baby around. I was asking hubby if he missed partying with his friends or going racing at the track, stuff he used to do before he was married with a mortgage and a wife/kid to support. Things that people do before they become grown ups with actual grown up things to do like going to work on time and replacing words like sH*t and f**k with "please" and "thank you". He thought about it for a sec and said "No..now if I have time to do something I'd rather stay home, sit naked on the couch and watch tv with the air conditioner blasting!"

"You still have a choice! SAVE YOURSELF" was my reply.

I don't know if it's because I'm a nursing mom or if little asian baby is just a momma's girl, but I can't leave her for more than 2 hrs before she either needs to be nursed or just starts losing it because she needs mommy. And most of the time I can't even leave her for more than 30 min. (it's not as wonderful and sweet as it sounds people...CAN I HEAR AN AMEN! that's the baptist preacher in me btw..I can also feel the glaring eyes of judgement coming through the screen from all the mothers who are against "attachment parenting" and were sending their children to Africa for summer camp by the time their kids could walk, but WHATEVER!)

So, even though I can't leave little asian baby somewhere and go off by myself to buy some shoes, eat a hundred cupcakes, take a few shots...at least I can give my hardworking hubby some alone time so he can sit on the couch naked while watching tv with the air conditioning blasting.

-little asian girl AND little asian baby out!

"roseola?? Isn't that what dogs get?!"

Is what my dear friend Stacy asked me when i spoke to her this morning. Subsequently, she inspired me to write this post so I am dedicating this one to her! My funny, smart, thoughtful and caring friend! Little asian baby and myself are lucky to have her in our lives!

So I recently posted that little asian baby had a run with the POINTLESS baby illness roseola. I had been email blasting my friends at 2 in the morning complaining about the lack of sleep and 102 fevers but alas we have VICTORY! (over the illness that is.....not the lack of sleep~) Roseola, btw, is not a dog disease. Just a people disease. Actually, just a baby disease. Maybe I should stop calling it a disease.....illness...ILLNESS I SAY! (sorry, got a little over zealous there..)

Anyways, after I hung up with my friend, I got to thinking about how having a baby IS really like having a dog or any other household pet. I actually do give this analogy to my childless friends (lucky bastards!). BUT I don't tell them that actually it's a GAZILLION BAZILLION MAZILLION times harder. Why don't I tell them you ask???? Well, because I'm evil like that and I like to watch people FALL FROM THEIR SUGARY PINK CLOUD OF BLISSFUL IGNORANCE TO THE FIERY DEPTHS OF REALITY!! MUHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
.....
........
please still be my friend.

ANYWAY, so I tell them that if they can take reasonably good care of a pet, then they probably won't kill their kid anytime soon. (That is until they become teenagers and the whole teenage angst thing kicks in...not that I would kill my kid...or anything...like..that...) I mean if you think about it you need to give a baby food, water, a clean place to sleep. You have to pick up after them; their toys, their clothes, their poop etc. OH, and don't forget the toys! Balls with bells, stuffed animals to attack hug...chew toys..i mean "teething" toys etc. (although I'm pretty sure that pet toys are not "BPA FREE" and all toys are "MADE IN CHINA"  anyway so we should assume that some pet toys made it into the baby aisle.....) You have to make sure baby is up to date on their shots and when you take them to the park you have to make sure they "play nice" with others. We teach them tricks like how to wave "bye bye" and how to "sit"...the babies i mean..not the dogs...well dogs too...but OH YOU GET WHAT I MEAN!

I guess the only thing you can't really do with a baby that you can do with a dog is, you can't leave them at home alone while you go and enjoy a nice childless night of clubbing and drinking eating dinner and watching a movie with your other childless friends. And you can't leave a child unattended in a room while you fold the laundry or have guests over. (At least not until they become teenagers and the whole teenage angst kicks in)

** Geez, I'm actually looking forward to the teenage years now...I might be childless because A. I either killed them or B. They'll actually NOT want to spend every waking minute with me!.....one can dream..**

So to all you childless couples out there who have pets: The next time someone passes judgement on you for not having kids, do what people with kids do. Brag about how your cat can flush the toilet and how your dog can wave bye bye in three languages. Bore them with the hundreds of photos you have stored on your iphone and show them the cute outfits you've put together for their next birthday! Then say something snippy like "well at least my nipples didn't turn black and I don't have that pooch on my tummy where the baby used to be.." (or if you do have a pooch *no pun intended* you can insert any other unfortunate pregnancy side effect insult here....there are many...trust me. GOOGLE IT!) AND THEN proceed to direct them to this post.

Thank you.

-little asian girl out~