if "Jake and the Never Land Pirates" were REAL life~

So now that little asian baby is old enough to be occupied for good amounts of time with TV......

**gAsp~ aCk! THE HORRAHH THE HORRAHH~! I'm letting my baby watch TV!! I can feel the looks of horror coming from the snooty, judgmental, perfect mommies out there who only let their kids watch 1 hr of tv a day, read books to them morning, noon and night, play classical music for their brain development, and only feed them organic kale and acai berries~**

anyways, yup, my kid watches tv. A LOT of tv. basically I turn it on for her whenever we're home. Sometimes she'll watch it, sometimes she won't. It's basically like white noise to her. HOWEVER, (to make myself feel better more than anything) I only let her watch disney junior THE CHANNEL. (they always emphasize that....THE CHANNEL) I can sing every theme song, can name all the characters, and know every catch phrase. I can tell you what comes on from "Imagination Movers" at 7:30am to "Guess how much I love you" at 8:30pm. They play new episodes only on Fridays, (but not every friday) and they like to play the same 5 episodes all the time. Can you tell I've been watching Disney Junior THE CHANNEL... a lot??

Anyways, one of little asian baby's favorite (at least the one that she'll sit and watch for more than 5 min.) is "Jake and the Never Land Pirates" It's basically about three little pirate kids Jake, Izzy and Cubby who are also best friends. Their pet parrot Scully and of course Captain Hook and Mr. Smee. They run around the islands day after day without any parental supervision, solving "pirate problems" and collecting little gold coins to put into their "team treasure chest" and according to my calculations, those kids are billionares by now, so maybe we should try to find Pirate Island..

Ok, now back to the point...as I was watching an episode today, I had a thought......if you transplanted these kids into some cheesy, overly dramatic drama that played on CW or something it would basically be like Gossip Girl or One Tree Hill. (Now I realize, that unless you have kids and know something about the aforementioned cartoon show, you will have absolutely NO idea what I'm talking about and you'll just think i'm just a crazy, stay at home mom who should lay off the glitter sniffing and should switch to sugar free cupcakes, but bear with me...) Jake is the cool, dashing leader of the pack. Izzy is the cute, all natural, sweet as pie girl that everyone is in love with. Cubby would be the chubby side kick that always gets looked over and Marina (the mermaid) would be the bitchy, jealous, pretty and popular one. (she does after all have purple highlights in her hair!)

So it would probably go something like this. Jake and Izzy would be in love with each other, but Marina would also be in love with Jake and she would try and sabotage Izzy and Jake's love by trying to drown Izzy in the ocean or something. Cubby (who is also in love with Izzy and has always been secretly jealous of Jake and has always had to deal with the conflicting feelings of friendship and hatred for Jake) would try to "be there" for Izzy as Marina is playing out her evil plans and Captain Hook would be like Marina's evil uncle while Mr. Smee would be the kind butler.....or something like that.....it's not like I put a lot of thought into it or anything.......

I think I've been watching too much disney junior THE CHANNEL.

-little asian girl out.

gotta watch some news.

or at least something that doesn't involve overly upbeat children, a catch phrase, and bright colors.

"my neon thong days are .....over."

Is what I thought as I entered victoria's secret to buy myself some new under-panty-things. What started out as ignorant optimism after little asian baby was born had now turned into self loathing annoyance as I realized that my booty would not return to it's pre-pregnant size. As i contemplated going commando everyday while fishing wedgies out of my ass, I finally decided to get some new under-panty-things.

Bigger, under-panty-things.

oh the joy.

So I remember not that long ago, when victoria's secret had cute panties...pink ones with stars, a cute stripe, polka dots (my personal fav~), but now as i perused the tables all I saw were neon colors, ruffles, rinestones, and adjectives that I thought were only used to describe food. 

"JUICY" "DELICIOUS" "SWEET" not words that any woman I know wants printed on her ass. So then I had a thought. I should design a line of underwear with words like "NO WAY" "DEFINITELY NOT" "NO" "DID YOU LOAD THE DISHWASHER" I would buy them. Wouldn't you? 

So as I headed to the BACK of the store, where they put the REGULAR underwear (what a marketing technique...put all the slutty underwear upfront so all the young attractive people will be visible and hide "attractively challenged" in the back...nice.) I grabbed a couple in my now...ehem...bigger..size and headed toward the register. As I looked at the sad pile of black and white I suddenly felt a sense of rebellion SURGING through my body. I wasn't some old lady with three kids and a weekly book club! I was still YOUNG, I was still YOUTHFUL! I still could bend over without my bones cracking! I didn't have to resort to plain black or white underwear! So I MARCHED MY BOOTY BACK TO THE TABLE AND GRABBED SOME PINK, PLAID, AND POLKA DOTTED PANTIES! VICTORY! I left the store feeling triumphant, with a little pep in my step.

unfortunately....

while I was in my delirium i forgot to check the back of the panties and one of them had a pair of gaudy silver glittered rinestone wings printed on the back. *siGh* oh well. at least no one will see them. hopefully, not even my hubby~ haha.

-little asian girl out.

"pretty girls get to do things ugly girls don't."

Is what I over heard a mom say to her elementary school aged daughter in the market parking lot. My initial reaction was to laugh, because let's face it. It's true. However, the same said mom also proceeded to tell her daughter that being pretty wasn't enough and that she would also have to be smart as well. 

"But you have to be smart too, because no one likes a pretty dumb girl." 

WRONG! EVERYONE LIKES A PRETTY DUMB GIRL! they just don't like ugly, dumb girls. 

So as I quietly loaded my groceries (btw, it just took me 3 attempts to spell that word...haha..mommy brain...11 months after giving birth.....cupcake cupcake...lalalalala) 

So as I quietly loaded my g r o c e r ies in the car, i couldn't decided whether that mother was doing her daughter a favor by exposing her to the harsh realities of the world at the tender age of 7 or if she was contributing to the growing epidemic of bitter, jaded, low self esteem harboring women. Is it better to live in LalA land where music plays whenever you take a crap and everything is made of sprinkles and glitter? Would this little girl grow up always trying to be smart, and pretty, and talented, and eventually end up being committed?.....or would she always feel like she was falling short of her mother's "wise" words and end up drunk and bleary eyed looking for a condom dispensing machine? Anyways, as my mind started to wander I thought of other little "lies" I've actually heard parents tell their children. 

"Wine is good for you. It's good for your heart." -a mother said to her daughter in the wine/beer aisle at the market. (i know this one is kinda true..but still the kid was like 5 yrs. old)

"My mom said I'm allergic to candy" -said a little boy to me at church when I offered him some.

"We have to wait so the magic will be there" -said a mom at my gymboree class to her daughter who was being impatient about her music class starting. 

"if you sleep next to the wall, your face is going to get paralyzed because the wall is cold." -says my mom to me because our bed is pushed up against the wall.

YAY PARENTS! PARENTING OF THE YEAR AWARDS FOR EVERYONE!

-little asian girl

"remember those condom dispensing machines..."

s what my husband asked me one day. But it's not like he walked in the door and was like "hey~....remember those....??" I was lamenting about how expensive condoms had become and how he got duped into buying the "fancy" condoms (see previous email "excuse me mr. pharmacist, but where are the REGULAR condoms?") He bought the ones that was suppose to be "extra pleasurable for her~!" LIKE I NEED EXTRA PLEASURE! I JUST NEED IT TO BE OVER WITH SO I CAN GET SOME SLEEP! (sorry honey! you're still good in bed!) too much info?? sorry~ anyways, so as I was lamenting about the prices as if I was talking about gas prices and that's when dear hubbie posed the question. 

Now let me be clear. I have NEVER seen or heard of condom "dispensing" machines. Tampon dispensing machines, gum/candy dispensing machines, I've even seen some that'll dispense travel sized packets of tylenol but never a CONDOM dispensing machine. Now I'm not sure WHERE my dear hubby saw these machines.....(see previous email "you're practically gay!") but anyways I started thinking about what the person whose job it was to refill those machines would have been like. Did the person care about giving women "extra pleasure" or having them "fruit flavored"? Did he think of himself as a public servant? Providing safe sex options to the drunk and good judgement challenged? Or was he just in it for the money, inflating the prices of the condoms knowing that when you're drunk, you're also horny and if paying $1 for one condom can exponentially increase your chances of getting laid, you'll whip out that dollar faster than you can say "slutty hore"! As my mind wandered on and on, I wondered why there weren't anymore of those machines around.......Then I figured the club/bar owners were probably sick and tired of finding people doing it in the bathroom stalls and were grossed out to find used condoms everywhere so they got rid of them. Or maybe someone realized that the machines were contributing to the rising teen mom epidemic so they tossed the machines for that reason. Whatever the case, it was a funny conversation to have with my husband while giving little asian baby a bath. Good thing she doesn't understand real words yet......haha

"I think my eye makeup remover isn't working..."

is what I thought as I saw dark smudges under my eyes after I had removed my makeup. After about 3 minutes of trying to rub the "residue" from my skin with every imaginable solution and practically rubbing my skin off i realized..."damn, it's not the remover, it's sleep deprivation. oh the joy." 

So basically I haven't had a full night sleep since...well...since little asian baby was born 6 months ago. So what i thought was makeup removal failure was actually the dark stain of motherhood. 

I had just gotten out of the shower and was examining my still "recovering" body.

* I say recovering because it gives me an excuse to do things that people who are recovering from something can get away with like eat 3 cupcakes at a time or spoon chocolate sauce straight out the jar......don't judge people....I'M RECOVERING! I also tell people that i "just" had a baby so when they see the elastic band of my maternity jeans peeking out from under my shirt they think that I still haven't shed all my pregnancy weight and not that I was just too lazy to put pants on with buttons~ don't judge people...i JUST had a baby..*

Anyways, as I stood in the mirror looking at the now red patches under my eyes I also noticed the ugly dark line that pregnant women get that runs from their belly button downwards, the stomach pooch that I now sported like a fanny pack, and the nasty veins in my boobs (which are bigger now by the way grandma!) that get darker as my boobs get filled with milk. (Too much info i know i know, motherhood has caused me to lose all sense of modesty or social decency. sorry dude) So as I looked on, I breathed a sigh of disappointment and as I was grabbing my clothes to get dressed, hubby walked by and said "your right breast is leaking"

I let out another long, exasperated sigh and said "yeah...i know...that's just what happens." 

So I guess until little asian baby can eat all her meals with a spoon and sleep through the night without needing to climb on top of me for comfort I'll just use concealer, wear nursing tops and keep telling people that I just had a baby to garner sympathy. haha.

-little asian girl out.

breastfeeding...family affair?? part 2

So let's see. 

Where did we leave off. 

oh yes, sitting around in a circle "watching" me breastfeed.

So I wish the antics ended there, but of course it didn't. Here is a list..yes I said a LIST of the ways in which my family has become involved in my breastfeeding. 

Every time I breastfeed near my grandmother, she tries to pinch little asian baby's nose saying that I'm "squishing" it flat by pressing it against my boob too tightly. Newsflash grandma,  the baby's asian. a flat nose is guaranteed. Just be glad she didn't come out with chinky eyes. (yes yes i said CHINKY...but i'm asian so I can say that.)

When my dad hears baby have hiccups he starts shouting "JAMIE GIVE HER YOUR BREAST! GIVE HER YOUR BREAST!" as if saying "breast" instead of boob is any less embarrassing/inappropriate. and mind you my dad is not suave and polite say like george clooney. He's more like frank barone, the dad on everybody loves raymond. you get the pic.   

My aunt kelly came over to see the baby one day and I purposely went into the room, she however, asked Chris where I was and said "oh let me watch" and promptly came and found me. SERIOUSLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY FAMILY?!

My uncle (yeah, you thought it would stop at the aunts huh? NO SUCH LUCK!) My uncle upon seeing me for the first time after giving birth, asked me if there was even enough milk for the baby since my boobs were still so small. YUP,  you read right. (did you fall out of your chair?) He then proceeded to ask me if I was wearing a nursing tank top, and even had a hand gesture to go with it. (if you've ever seen a nursing top, you know what I mean, and if you haven't then you can just imagine what kind of hand gesture I wanted to give him back~) 

My mom's friend told me to breastfeed as long as possible. 2 years she said. Hell. to. the. no lady. hell to the no. 

and last but not least, (this one is actually kinda cute) My 6 year old niece asked me if she could watch me feed the baby, and when I said no, she asked "why can't I see your privacy? I can see mommy & daddy's?!"

Now what should I have said to my niece? Should I have been more concerned by the fact that she thought i was ok to see people's privacy or the fact that she actually saw mommy & daddy's privacy. Why did she see mommy & daddy's privacy? What was the scenario in which she saw it? Why did she want to see mine? Floored by the statement this sweet little girl had just made and with my mind swirling with crazy little asian girl thoughts, I just retreated to the guestroom, told christopher to guard the door and fed my baby quickly and quietly. 

*siGh* they don't tell you this stuff in the books. 

Breastfeeding...a family affair?? part 1

It was a bright saturday afternoon. I had been home from the hospital for a few days now and was actually enjoying spending every minute I could with my new baby. I was so happy that my baby girl was here that I didn't mind the explosive poopie diapers, 1am, 3am, 5am feedings, and wished that she wouldn't sleep so much so that I could hold her in my arms as long as I wanted.......

yeah. that got old REAL quick. Now I can't WAIT for her to take her naps, mutter curse words to myself as I'm washing yet ANOTHER set of clothes that she got poop on, and I swear if SHE GETS UP ONE MORE TIME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT................

*pHew* now that I got that off my chest, back to the what this post was originally about. breastfeeding. is it really family affair???? ....or...just for my family...they do after all have "no boundaries"

So it was a bright afternoon, my aunt jane & my grandmother had wanted to come over to see the baby. I didn't mind, because after all, who wouldn't want to show off THE CUTEST BABY EVER!!! (although, looking back on her newborn pictures, she wasn't really that cute. Her skin was all yellow with jaundice, had baby acne, and her face hadn't de-puffed yet...but whatever...CUTEST BABY EVER!!!)

So as we were oohing and aahing over the baby (as if we had NEVER seen a baby before...hahhaa..idiots~) it came time to feed her. So, I picked up little asian baby and started to head off to my room. I figured they came to see the baby full and happy, not cranky, crying and tryingtoripmyfaceoffbecausethe

milkisn'tcomingoutfastenough!!
! *bReAtH*bREatH*CUPCAKE* anyways, I headed off to my room when suddenly my grandmother said, 

"where are you going with the baby?" 

"oh, it's time to feed her so I'm gonna feed her in here."

"why? Just feed her out here! I wanna see how well she eats! Don't you know that babies are the cutest when they breastfeed? They even sometimes play with your other boob while feeding! It's great!!" 

Now obviously I didn't want to be rude (i mean can you say no to someone who birthed and breastfed your own mother?) but I also, didn't want to WHIP out my boob in front of everyone. I mean who would?? well I guess strippers, but at least they get paid for that and last time I checked, this wasn't the 2pm showing of little asian girl breastfeeds little asian baby! Well, I didn't even have time to decide before my aunt jane chimed in by saying "OH I WANNA WATCH TOO! I never breastfed, so i wanna see how it's done~"

seriously people? you really wanna "watch"???? Now I readily accept the fact that my family is inappropriately involved in each others lives, but breastfeeding...really?? So I trudged my way back to the couch and as I sat there with my mother, sister, aunt AND grandmother "watching" the baby breastfeed I thought....... 

well. isn't this awkward.

I wish I could say that the story ends there, but of course...it doesn't. 

but the baby is crying her head off right now so.. 

to be continued......

little asian girl out~

"Excuse me Mr. Pharmacist, but where are the REGULAR condoms?"

So begins the many MANY adventures little asian girl has been having since the birth of little asian baby.

Now, due to the advances in medical science and the invention of contraceptives such as the birth control pill, I have not had to buy condoms, well ever. HOWEVER, motherhood changes many things, and due to the fact that the pill affected my milk supply I have had to resort to using them. Oh the joy. 

It was a bright sunny day when I ventured into the Target pharmacy to purchase yet ANOTHER case of diapers (for such a little thing a lot of **it pun intended..hehehe..comes out of it~) and yes yes the CONDOMS. 

So call me old fashion, but I remember a time when condoms came in two varieties. Trojan and Lifestyle. Maybe ribbed, with or without lubricant and or spermicide. 

Therefore,  I was totally unprepared for the plethora of options now available to the general public (as opposed to that seedy XXX store on the corner of creep st and perv ave...) Here are some that I saw and some I wished I didn't see. 

1. Fire & Ice. I don't know about you, but I don't want anything catching on fire or having to be doused with ice down there. If you feel fiery or icy down there, maybe it's time  you make an appt with your gyno.

2. Barely there, ultra thin, invisible. Now, call me crazy, but they all sound like the same thing to me. Are people really that dumb? Maybe those boxes were intended to be sent to wal-mart but made it to target instead.....

3. Assorted colors. Ummm....most people I know are having sex in the dark. Whether it's because you're too drunk to turn the lights on or trying to hide your post pregnant body, I don't give a da*n what color the condom is. As long as your penis is a normal color that's all that really matters. Right? 

4. Flavored. EWW. NASTY. NO. NEVER.

5. NEW AND IMPROVED DESIGN! as if there is more than one way to design a condom. Last time I checked every man's whoo ha is shaped the same, so unless the condom designer man knows something we don't I wouldn't trust that box. 

Overwhelmed by the bevy of choices, I stood there staring blankly and contemplated as to whether I should ask the pharmacist where the "regular" condoms were. BUT to save myself (and the pharmacist) some embarrassment, I settled on the plain gray box with the white writing on it. No fruit. No flames. No nonsense.

*siGh*