"Excuse me Mr. Pharmacist, but where are the REGULAR condoms?"

So begins the many MANY adventures little asian girl has been having since the birth of little asian baby.

Now, due to the advances in medical science and the invention of contraceptives such as the birth control pill, I have not had to buy condoms, well ever. HOWEVER, motherhood changes many things, and due to the fact that the pill affected my milk supply I have had to resort to using them. Oh the joy. 

It was a bright sunny day when I ventured into the Target pharmacy to purchase yet ANOTHER case of diapers (for such a little thing a lot of **it pun intended..hehehe..comes out of it~) and yes yes the CONDOMS. 

So call me old fashion, but I remember a time when condoms came in two varieties. Trojan and Lifestyle. Maybe ribbed, with or without lubricant and or spermicide. 

Therefore,  I was totally unprepared for the plethora of options now available to the general public (as opposed to that seedy XXX store on the corner of creep st and perv ave...) Here are some that I saw and some I wished I didn't see. 

1. Fire & Ice. I don't know about you, but I don't want anything catching on fire or having to be doused with ice down there. If you feel fiery or icy down there, maybe it's time  you make an appt with your gyno.

2. Barely there, ultra thin, invisible. Now, call me crazy, but they all sound like the same thing to me. Are people really that dumb? Maybe those boxes were intended to be sent to wal-mart but made it to target instead.....

3. Assorted colors. Ummm....most people I know are having sex in the dark. Whether it's because you're too drunk to turn the lights on or trying to hide your post pregnant body, I don't give a da*n what color the condom is. As long as your penis is a normal color that's all that really matters. Right? 

4. Flavored. EWW. NASTY. NO. NEVER.

5. NEW AND IMPROVED DESIGN! as if there is more than one way to design a condom. Last time I checked every man's whoo ha is shaped the same, so unless the condom designer man knows something we don't I wouldn't trust that box. 

Overwhelmed by the bevy of choices, I stood there staring blankly and contemplated as to whether I should ask the pharmacist where the "regular" condoms were. BUT to save myself (and the pharmacist) some embarrassment, I settled on the plain gray box with the white writing on it. No fruit. No flames. No nonsense.

*siGh*