Friday, September 28, 2012

"cheesze"

After 13.5 months, 1341 photos (NOT including all the ones that we deleted due to editing purposes) and countless hours of just waiting in front of little asian baby with a camera trying to capture that "perfect" moment.... little asian baby FINALLY said "cheesze" while taking a photo! This is what she looked like...


Ironically in this photo, she is NOT saying cheese.


She had just recently learned how to roll over and was VERY proud of herself. (as you can see) And yes, yes, those are my pasty, white asian girl legs in the background ruining what otherwise would have been the perfect picture. One day little asian baby is going to see this photo and realize that her mother has always and will always be lurking inappropriately in the background.

Sorry baby.

-little asian girl

Thursday, September 27, 2012

"Do you want to go for a walk?"

I should have just said no. I should have known better. I should have told her I have roseola so I can't go out in the sun. It must have been the dogs, the kids, the parents all running around in circles, that made me temporarily insane.

So I said..."sure!"

FACT: Little asian girl DON'T "exercise". (I'm wagging my finger at you as we speak...*wAG*wAg*) The only time I ever exercised, was during my pregnancy when my dr told me I was gaining weight "too quickly"....BUT I WAS GROWING A HUMAN BEING INSIDE ME!!! Do you know how many cupcakes it takes to do that successfully?? A lot doc. A lot.
FACT: "Exercise" is a BAAD word in my book. Along with words like "low fat" and "sugar free"
FACT: When sending asian husband to the market, I specifically tell him things like "Make sure it doesn't say part skim or low fat!" and "Don't buy it if they only have the "healthy" ones.."
FACT: I think I was just overcome by my friend's optimistic tone and go go go attitude. (She is really a very happy and energetic person!)
FACT: It was a "HIKE" not a "walk". We walked up this VERY STEEP hill. It was like a 10 degree incline! It might even have been 18 degrees!!

I am what some would call an uptight uptown princess. I like my environments to be clean, well kept, quiet, air conditioned, and well, frankly, indoors. I don't like to sweat or feel hot. Parts of my face melt and I get raccoon eyes because my eyeliner runs. So was the case with this little "walk" we went on. After we got back to my friend's house I was about to nurse little asian baby, when my friend informed me that a "man" (that's what she said "A man will be coming over to pick up Melody...so don't be scared if a man walks in~" Melody was the sweet little girl that my friend was watching today because of a random no school day)

Anyway, so as I was sitting on the kitchen floor nursing, I thought.."well isn't this interesting...I wonder what "the man" will think if he happens upon me here...." He'd probably have some thoughts of his own like:

"Who is this sweaty little asian girl?" "Why is she sitting on the floor breastfeeding?" "Why are her eyes like raccoons?" "Why is she so sweaty?" "Where is my daughter Melody?" "Is she in danger from this seemingly odd little asian girl?"

I wouldn't have blamed him...I would have thought the same.

So the moral of the story is..if a very optimistic and energetic friend asks you if you want to go on a "walk" with her...just say no. Stay indoors and keep your face from melting.

-little asian girl

p.s. The walk wasn't really THAT bad.....I suppose.... It was only like 5 minutes and we only went up one slightly inclined neighborhood street. I just like to be dramatic. It's what I do. Besides, the rest of the play date with my friends was very very fun!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

This is one for the books!

So I took little asian baby out with me on a Michael's run. (Did I mention I'm an Michael's Craft Store addict? I used to go once a week and could name the location and prices of almost all the items...from memory.) Anyways, I was trying to time my errand (as all mother's do) around her nap, so that on my way home from the final destination she would fall asleep.

BUT ALAS THE PLAN FAILED! (of course, like all things you "plan" with babies do) and she fell asleep before my last market stop. Not wanting to go out yet ANOTHER time just to pick up a few items (those of you with children know how DAUNTING even a short trip to the market can be) I decided I would just risk waking her up (and what a R I S K it is!) and just take her inside in my baby carrier. Well, I am please and frankly quite AMAZED to announce.....

SHE SLEPT THE WHOLE TIME! 

now let me break it down for you~ I transferred her from the carseat, to the baby carrier, around the market, through the check out (and a big thanks to the nice lady who let me go in front of her! She must have kids..) then BACK INTO the carseat to go home, out again and up onto my shoulder to go into the house and then I laid her in bed.

SHE SLEPT THE WHOLE TIME!

Those of you with children understand what a great feat this was and those of you who don't have children....trust me...it was a great feat. Right up there next to giving birth.

and now I'm sitting here blogging and eating rice krispie treats in peace and quiet.

YAY!

I also just realized I went parenthesis happy in this post. (sorry guys!)

-little asian girl

Saturday, September 22, 2012

"Maybe when little asian baby is older we can just explain to her what we're going to do and she'll understand.." quote by asian husband

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHa!!

ha.

-little asian girl

Our first date...

Asian husband and I had our first date sans baby today. The last time we went anywhere for an extended period of time without baby was our baby moon to San Francisco. 16 months and 20 days ago. Excuse me while I go sob in the corner while stuffing my face with sugary baked goods. Please enjoy these photos while you wait...
we did all the corny touristy things~
The last time I really enjoyed a caffeinated beverage without the fear that it would make my baby all crazy and wired!
Food Network chef Chris Cosentino. I was too chicken to actually talk to the guy, so I settled on taking  a picture of him on the sly as he walked by. 
meat cone at chris cosentino's shop.
I don't know what this giant clock building is called, but asian husband is a very good photographer. 

AND WE'RE BACK!!! Good thing you can't see the damage I did to the poor rice krispie treats and mini mint milano cookies.....

So hubby and I went out for the first time in AGES without baby. It wasn't really a "date" in the classical sense, but...

- We took my husband's car which is a two seater, so it was kind of like a "date" vehicle.
- He had to open the passenger door to clear out some stuff so I could sit, so it was kind of like he "opened" the door for me.
- I didn't have to share my food with little asian baby.
- We didn't have to "take turns" eating, so that one of us could entertain the baby.
- We had a babysitter. Or should I say babysitterS, plural, grandparents and auntie and we didn't even have to pay them. HOLLA! WuT wUT!! (that's the gangsta rapper in me..)
-Asian husband offered to by me a churro.
- Little asian baby was unharmed and emotionally un-scarred after the event.

SUCCESS!!!

OH and the best part of the date was. After we got home I got to pop a weird pimple thing that my husband had on his elbow.

It was super satisfying.

What a great day.

-little asian girl

Friday, September 21, 2012

"What's this dry patch on my arm?? Why is it green?? Why is it flaking off??"

"OHH, it's avocado, pineapple, banana puree."

I can see you're confused. Allow me to elaborate.

As I was driving today, I happened upon a dry patch on my arm. As I continued to pick at the "patch", it started to flake off. Not that this isn't actually a normal thing that has been happening to me ever since little asian baby was born. (Pregnancy SUCKS all the life out of your skin, hair and nails..I mean after the prenatal vitamins have worn off that is.) But it was still a surprise.

As a mom of any age child,  you happen upon "mystery stains" all the time. Some you can identify right off the bat, but others take a little investigating. Little asian baby is against all things that confine her to one space for more than 5 secs so during mealtimes I have to let her sit in her own "grownup" chair. But usually she just runs around like a wild animal and I just throw the food around for her to find. (well, no I don't do that...but I do chase her around trying to feed her 1 oz of food! I consider it my exercise.) Therefore, while I was feeding her the avocado puree concoction, she basically used my arm as her napkin.

I find myself asking a lot of these "Hey..what is that??" questions and here are some that I remember from recent days.

"Hey, did I get a new mole here? Oh wait, no...it's dried bbq sauce."

"Hey, little asian baby, why is your shirt wet back here? Is that water? Oh wait, no...it's pee."

"Hey, what is this crusty white stuff on my shirt sleeve? Is it boogers? Oh wait, no...it's cupcake batter.

YUM!"

-little asian girl

Thursday, September 20, 2012

"We almost drowned her remember?!"

Is what asian husband said as we laughed and reminisced about the first time we gave little asian baby a bath. Just to clarify, he was exaggerating. We didn't actually almost drown her, but we didn't do a "stellar" job either. We had gotten a "baby" bathtub from my brother-in-law who already has two children of his own and asian husband wanted to use it to bathe little asian baby. I was a little leery about it, because it was kind of a big tub and I didn't see how we could safely hold onto the baby while bathing her at the same time because the baby tub had to be placed in a real tub and we couldn't get into the tub with the baby tub in it too. (not confusing at all right?) anyway. the point is. We just laid her in the tub and asian husband gave her a sponge bath. Needless to say...

she cried.
the whole time.
turns out, newborns don't like being cold, naked, wet and unswaddled.

or being dropped into a large, cold, plastic tub and being wiped with a wet sponge.

oops~

Luckily we had my wonderful mother there to enlighten us on how to CORRECTLY bathe little asian baby. Thank goodness.
Here is the "correct" way to give a newborn a bath.

"GRANDMA I DON'T LIKE THIS! I DON'T LIKE THIS!"
"...??...?....."
"Good thing you're here grandma. Those other two don't know a thing!"
"Please don't leave me"


I once read a quote by an actor who was worried about being a first time dad. He asked his mother for advice, and she said...

"God made babies strong enough to survive parents." 

PHEW! 

-little asian girl signing off to go and make other parental mistakes. Sorry little asian baby. Love you!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Loony.

Is the only word I can use to describe my state of mind lately. Blame it on the sleep deprivation, lack of vital nutrients due to little asian baby still sucking (pun intended) them out of me, or the lingering effects of "pregnancy brain" that apparently is just "regular" brain now.

Here are some of the loony things I've been known to do lately.

1. Just this morning upon seeing a man's shirt on asian husband's side of the dresser I asked "Is this yours?"

**of course it's his! Who else's would it be? Oh...maybe my imaginary husband. You know, the one with the extra set of "working" boobs so that I can finally take a nap!**

(my husband was in the room when I asked the question by the way. Just to clarify...)

2. A few days ago I remember laughing so hard I was laying down on the kitchen floor. What was I laughing about you ask?? I. CAN'T. EVEN. REMEMBER.

3. Last weekend I put little asian baby's shirt on backwards and she spent the ENTIRE afternoon, OUT IN PUBLIC, like that. It wasn't until I was standing at my front door about to enter back into the house that I realized the tag of the shirt was CLEARLY visible and in the front.

The buttons are suppose to be in the back. At least she was cute! I think she thought so too~
I also put her shirt on backwards this day too. Even though I'm the one that took this photo, I didn't realize the fact until several days later. (she wasn't still in the same shirt to clarify)
4. Last week I found my phone on a shelf in the closet.

5. This morning I found a pot on top of the dryer.

6. Apparently I like to leave things in random places. It's a game I play with myself...

7. I bake a cake or cupcakes once a week. (this one isn't really loony, but when you think about how much sugar I consume due to this activity, it makes me wonder if this is the root of the currently problem I am having)

8. I type sentences that make no sense. (see sentence above.)

so here is a little look into my loony mind! Enjoy!

-little asian girl

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

"DO YOOOUU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUTTA MY MOUTH?!"

"Are you seeing anyone?" asked Grandma Noszie

"yes grandma, his name is asian guy.."

"Are you two getting married??" asked Auntie Meddle

"yes, auntie we're getting married next summer.."

"Are you pregnant yet" asked Uncle Buttin

"YES! WE ARE!"

"SOOO..ready for #2?!"

"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! MAKE IT STOP! JUST MAKE IT STAAAAHHHHP"

Everyone and anyone who is in a non-martial relationship knows that once the relationship gets past the 1 yr mark the questions start. And they.....never....ever.....stop. It's like people have an endless need to PUSH you into the next phase of YOUR life, just because THEY did it "this way" or THEY wanted it "that way". I just want to say to those especially asking about little asian baby #2 "hey, are YOU going to come to my house at 1am-3am-4:30am and 5am to change, nurse, rock, and possiblybathethebabyANDyourselfbecauseshepoopedwhilenursingandthediaperleaked..again."

yeah. I thought not.

Ever since I had little asian baby, of course the question is "when are you going to have the next one?" It's like all the people conveniently "forgot" how awesomely tiring it is to raise ONE baby and they want me to have TWO? AT ONCE?

b*tCh yOu cRaYzEE!

...sorry, I let my inner Wanda Sykes come out...oops.

So to all who have and who are still going to ask me the #2 baby question I say this. When I ask little asian baby the wise words uttered by Chris Tucker in that movie he did with Jackie Chan where they run around China trying to get away from the Japanese equivalent of the Yakuza (HiYa!) which in China would be Wa Ching (HiYa! I have to say that after every offensive asian stereotype....I'm just weird like that.)

"DO YOOOUU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUTTA OF MY MOUTH???!"

I would like for asian baby NOT to:
Stare at me blankly.
cry
Smile and continue with whatever heinous act she's in the middle of doing
run away

Instead, I would like her to:
1. say "yes mama, I understand completely"
2. say " yes mama, now may I get you a cupcake?"
3. say "yes mama, now hows about a nap?"
4. any combination or all of the above.

THAT'S WHEN I'LL HAVE LITTLE ASIAN BABY #2 PEOPLE.

so in other words...it may never happen. sorry guys~

-little asian girl

Monday, September 17, 2012

Is that Mario & Luigi?

I was driving to my mother's house along the 91 frwy when I thought I saw what appeared to be the above mentioned two men driving in a BMW behind me. NOW before you go thinking that I had one too many cupcakes today and am currently writing this while riding sky high on sugar and sprinkles..hear me out.

The two men that I saw were wearing what appeared to be hats with some sort of emblem on the middle of each hat, much like the signature "M" and "L" on mario/luigi's hat. The hats were also poofy, and if you recall all the cartoon drawings and stuffed animal depictions of M & L their hats are..well...poofy. They also each had a long mustache (I am currently pronounce mustache like moo-staahh-shh. I'm trying to be funny...if only to myself...haha..hilarious.)

ANYWAYS..

They also appeared to be European of descent, and before you go accusing me of racial profiling (yeah I watch Law & Order, I know what that means!) you should know that 1. I have very good vision and 2. My rear view mirror has very good vision too. So you could see how I would, albeit briefly, assume that Mario & Luigi traded in their cracker jack box Mariokart for a pimpier BMW and were driving down the 91 to rescue the princess....again.

However, upon a second glance I realized that the hats were actually turbans, the emblems were actually some sort of jeweled decoration, and the mustaches were....well mustaches.

So good news is, I didn't hallucinate seeing two Italian plumbers from a made up nintendo game driving down the freeway.
Bad news is, I didn't hallucinate seeing two Italian plumbers from a made up nintendo game driving down the freeway.

That would have been awesome.

-little asian girl signing out!

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Two things I recently learned about driving..

The next time a police officer pulls you over for going 90 mi/hr on the freeway, tell him that you didn't realize you were driving that fast, because you were SO FOCUSED ON GETTING YOUR 1 YR TO FINALLY TAKE HER AFTERNOON NAP!!!! *bReaTh*BrEaTh*bReAtH* whenwilltheangelfoodcakeintheovenbedonedamnit!

sorry, let's try that again.

The next time a police officer pulls you over for speeding, tell him that you were in the middle of velocitating. When he gives you a confused and annoyed look, tell him that you recently learned the term "velocitation" which occurs when you unconsciously go too fast on the freeway. But don't tell him that you learned that from the traffic school you recently went to for the last speeding ticket you got. 

Yesterday I was driving home from another outing with little asian baby and my sister, and she told me that phrase, because when I looked down at my speedometer I was going 90mi/hr. When I asked how she had known that term, she said she learned it at traffic school. When I asked her why she had gone to traffic school, (our conversations move at a snails pace as you can see) she told me that actually my mother had the traffic school and she just picked up a few things here and there. She also told me (in the same sentence) that my father had gotten a ticket the same week that my mother did, by the same cop, at the same intersection.....(deduce from this information what you will about my own driving skills.) I hope the city of Norwalk appreciates the effort my family is doing to up their city's revenue. You're welcome!

So velocitation is the first thing I learned about driving this week. The second thing I learned is that semi trucks are not only useful for transporting cheap, made in china knock offs to department stores and swap meets, but also for providing shade cover while driving in 108 degree weather. So next time you see a semi truck, drive up along side it! Give the truck driver a friendly wave of appreciation! Enjoy the shady cover and watch your cars' temperature reading thingy go down. (mine went down a whole 5 degrees during my 10 min ride!) Never mind the annoyed and confused looks that the other drivers will most likely give you, because you're driving erratically. Just let them speed angrily by, at least you're cooler (literally and figuratively) than them! Just hope that they know the term "velocitation", because they'll probably get pulled over for speeding and I'm sure the excuse "sorry officer I didn't know I was speeding because I was looking at this little asian girl driving next to a semi truck" will NOT get them off the hook. 

drive safely and stay cool!

-little asian girl!

Friday, September 14, 2012

a million dollar idea~

Have you ever smelled a baby right when they wake up from a nap or first thing in the morning? I mean after you get past the HUGE pee diaper smell and the possible sweat head smell that babies have because they SWEAT LIKE CRAZY while sleeping. (seriously, it's like someone secretly gave them a bath during the night!) The "I just woke up from sleeping" smell is IN-TOX-I-CAAT-ING. It's sweet, warm, soft, cuddly, and just utterly AMAZING. It's like if love could have a smell, it would be that of a baby who just woke up. And although my very smart 7 year old niece told me that "all babies smell the same you know auntie.." Those of you with kids know what I'm talking about.

So if I could bottle the scent of a baby I would, and I'm almost 10000% sure that I would be a millionaire in a week. I probably wouldn't even need a fancy bottle or Kim Kardashian to pose half naked in a mosquito infested jungle with a snake wrapped around her ass. I'd just put it in a plastic bottle with a picture of a cute baby on it and people would line up in droves to buy it. 

Trust me. 

Someone should do this. 

If you need some market research, just go to a park or your local gymboree and see all the intoxicated parents walking around sniffing their kids heads. Why do you think they invented those devices to carry your kid around in. It's not to be "hands free" while still carrying your baby, it's so that their heads can be closer to your nose so you can get your fix anytime. It's like crack I tell ya!

.....
........
...........?

*just had to go and get my fix...little asian baby is napping....smells great!**

I totally would pursue this idea myself, but little asian baby won't let me take scent samples from her head. And I'm sure if it got out what I was trying to do, I would end up in the court of public opinion along side those crazy toddlers and tiara's moms being accused of child exploitation. Except I wouldn't be guilty of hopping my kid up with pixie sticks and red bull. (Seriously some body SHOULD call CPS on them, that's just some horrible parenting) 

Seriously people. I'm giving away a million dollars here.


Good luck!

-little asian girl 

Thursday, September 13, 2012

"oh shat~"

My mother was not born here in America. She immigrated here when she was 22, so English is NOT her first language. Here are some HIL-A-RI-OUS things that she says, that may offend anyone who might be eavesdropping on us behind a hidden wall. (I don't know where that came from... I'm watching some crime drama on TV right now and it's subconsciously filtering into my mind....) here goes.

"shitted" : she means shredded. I know this because the word "cheese" or "lettuce" usually comes after it. Whether she uses it in the other way I never asked.

"feesha": No it's not the name of a new crazy haired, bubble dress wearing artist P-diddy is "molding" into the next hot thing. She means fuschia. The color.

"polish": This one she actually used when she first immigrated here and she really didn't know any English. She meant police. My aunt told me a story of my mom trying to say "police" to her sisters and after being frustrated that they didn't understand her, she proceeded to use hand gestures to describe a siren accompanied by sound effects. (you can use your imagination with this one...) And after being pulled over several times in her 35 years in America, she now knows how to pronounce it. PO-LEESE

"oh shat": she means "oh shit"....I'm 100% sure

"the bitch": she means "the beach".....I'm 87% sure..

"DOO!!!": she proclaimed triumphantly and loudly. She meant "duh". we laughed. loudly. and for a long time.

I guess I shouldn't really make fun of dear little asian mom. I mean, I once thought that the name Paul was spelled Pole.

Butt I wuz in da sixth grayde so giv me a brake!

-litl azun gurl

cakes and crafts~

So along with child rearing and blogging, my other hobbies include cooking and crafting. And although I am not a novice baker, I am a novice cake decorator and that's why you can see all of the off set spatula marks on my cakes. I do have to say though that I am an EXPERT crafter, and if I could just figure out how to get on that TLC show Craft Wars, I would. So if you ever run into Tori Spelling on Rodeo Drive or someone asks you "Hey do you know anyone who wants to be on Craft Wars?" Tell them little asian girl is interested.  Also, if you ever came to my house I would show you my dedicated "craft room/area" and show you my vats of scrapbooking paper and craft supplies. I have enough foam, glue, glitter and paint to rebuild hansel and gretel's house into P-diddy's mansion. Anyways, here are some pictures of the latest things I baked and some pictures of craft things i made here and there~ OH, and some pictures of little asian baby's first birthday.

lemon blueberry cake with lemon icing. 
ombre (or as my hubby affectionately calls it...tye dye) vanilla cake
Lavender and lemon cake. I was trying to practice the frosting technique with this one.
baby bird cupcakes for a baby shower
flag cake for this past fourth of July
wedding favors for my best friend's wedding 
paper topiaries for little O's 1st birthday!
the party we had at our house for little asian baby's friends
the cookies were NOT tasty, because of the royal icing I used..but at least they were cute!
I bought this handy little pom pom making contraption thing at michael's to make these
I just snatched ALL the paint sample swatches from home depot in every color I wanted to make these. My mom said it was very "ballsy" of me....that's how I roll mom. Ballsy. 
I used the hearts that I punched from the paint swatch cards as "confetti" on the table
cupcakes I made for the family birthday party. Yes yes , we had two parties. Oh and that's little asian baby in her little Korean dress and asian husband. (he's not like little)

So here is a little look into our world! Can you tell I just learned how to post photos to my blog and that's why I photo-bombed you!

-little asian girl

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

"You can't be funny everyday~"

Is what my mom said to me. I was lamenting about how, since now I have TONS of followers on this little blog of mine, I feel pressure not to disappoint. I feel like every post should contain the same amount of wit, candor, confusion, and humor that my readers have come to expect. I'M TRYING TO SET A STANDARD HERE PEOPLE!!! I think it was my mom's attempt to encourage me or something, but even as I write this post a day later, I'm still not sure...

I got to thinking about how a lot of good things self destruct from the pressures of fame and fortune. Heroes, The Office, Lindsay Lohan....all cut down at the pinnacle of their success because they couldn't hack it! (I know The Office is still on, but ever since Steve Carrell left I feel the show has gone down the deep dark tunnel that leads to cancellation and not syndication) And although fortune from my blog currently eludes me, I am becoming pretty famous.... (HA! is heard around orange county were all of my followers currently reside...how sad. I don't even have any followers outside one county.) Anyways, the point is, I hope that I can keep entertaining my audience with the random stories of my life, and I am totally always appreciative of the time and effort it takes to read someone's blog after a busy day.

So if you see a lifetime movie where Lucy Liu plays a crazy little asian girl who once had a successful start to a blog but became another bloggywood statistic and was overcome by her addiction to cupcakes and all things sparkly you should know that they're talking about me. But I guess until that happens, I'll keep on writing this blog and remember what my mom said.

OR I'll just copy and paste the address to this post after every future post I write.

-little asian girl

Monday, September 10, 2012

"No one ever starved because they were too smart!"

Is what my grandmother told me when I said little asian baby isn't much like a baby at all. She seems more like a very small, kid. I mean i know she's a "kid" but she just seems more mature than a 1 yr old should be. (and I'm not just saying this because she's my kid, TWO other people have said it as well, so it must be true.) Anyway, my grandmother always tells me weird things like that when I voice concerns about little asian baby.

Me: "Grandma, I'm kind of worried that she's not eating much"
Grandma: "No one ever lost a race because they were too thin!"

Me: "Grandma, I'm kind of worried she's not talking yet"
Grandma: "No one ever got into trouble because they didn't talk much!"

Me: "Grandma, I'm kind of worried she doesn't poop everyday"
Grandma: "Nothing goes in, so nothing comes out!"

????HUH???? What you say???
yeah, that's the look I give her a lot of the times. Things must get lost in translation....or she's just losing her mind now that she's 79. My grandmother. Oh how I love her. She is my mother's mother and little asian baby's great grandmother. She is fiery, sharp as a tack, loving, caring, raised 5 kids of her own BUT she also wouldn't hesitate to cut you in a knife fight, so..... Oh and the woman can grow ANYTHING. Talk about green thumb, she is a giant green appendage! She once put an avocado seed into a cup with some water and gravel and it grew into a plant. She also recently put a yam half into a glass with water; it sprouted and the plant has grown so tall that she has tethered it to a wire up against the wall.

Fire hazard anyone?

Do I smell toasted yams?
YuM!
Oh wait no...it's just grandma's house.


We're lucky to have her in our lives.

-little asian girl

Sunday, September 9, 2012

"You still have a choice! SAVE YOURSELF!"

Is what I said to my husband today while we were driving to my in laws. No, it wasn't that he could jump out of the car before getting there. (my in laws are great btw, great parents, grandparents and in laws to our little asian family so i'm just being dramatic) We were talking about how we never get "alone" time...AND BEFORE YOUR MIND STARTS GOING IN THE GUTTER!!!!! (geez..ppl! read a newspaper or watch some CNN!) I am referring to "alone" time as time for each of us to spend by ourselves. alone. Without each other or little asian baby around. I was asking hubby if he missed partying with his friends or going racing at the track, stuff he used to do before he was married with a mortgage and a wife/kid to support. Things that people do before they become grown ups with actual grown up things to do like going to work on time and replacing words like sH*t and f**k with "please" and "thank you". He thought about it for a sec and said "No..now if I have time to do something I'd rather stay home, sit naked on the couch and watch tv with the air conditioner blasting!"

"You still have a choice! SAVE YOURSELF" was my reply.

I don't know if it's because I'm a nursing mom or if little asian baby is just a momma's girl, but I can't leave her for more than 2 hrs before she either needs to be nursed or just starts losing it because she needs mommy. And most of the time I can't even leave her for more than 30 min. (it's not as wonderful and sweet as it sounds people...CAN I HEAR AN AMEN! that's the baptist preacher in me btw..I can also feel the glaring eyes of judgement coming through the screen from all the mothers who are against "attachment parenting" and were sending their children to Africa for summer camp by the time their kids could walk, but WHATEVER!)

So, even though I can't leave little asian baby somewhere and go off by myself to buy some shoes, eat a hundred cupcakes, take a few shots...at least I can give my hardworking hubby some alone time so he can sit on the couch naked while watching tv with the air conditioning blasting.


-little asian girl AND little asian baby out!


Saturday, September 8, 2012

"roseola?? Isn't that what dogs get?!"

Is what my dear friend Stacy asked me when i spoke to her this morning. Subsequently, she inspired me to write this post so I am dedicating this one to her! My funny, smart, thoughtful and caring friend! Little asian baby and myself are lucky to have her in our lives!

So I recently posted that little asian baby had a run with the POINTLESS baby illness roseola. I had been email blasting my friends at 2 in the morning complaining about the lack of sleep and 102 fevers but alas we have VICTORY! (over the illness that is.....not the lack of sleep~) Roseola, btw, is not a dog disease. Just a people disease. Actually, just a baby disease. Maybe I should stop calling it a disease.....illness...ILLNESS I SAY! (sorry, got a little over zealous there..)

Anyways, after I hung up with my friend, I got to thinking about how having a baby IS really like having a dog or any other household pet. I actually do give this analogy to my childless friends (lucky bastards!). BUT I don't tell them that actually it's a GAZILLION BAZILLION MAZILLION times harder. Why don't I tell them you ask???? Well, because I'm evil like that and I like to watch people FALL FROM THEIR SUGARY PINK CLOUD OF BLISSFUL IGNORANCE TO THE FIERY DEPTHS OF REALITY!! MUHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
.....
........
please still be my friend.

ANYWAY, so I tell them that if they can take reasonably good care of a pet, then they probably won't kill their kid anytime soon. (That is until they become teenagers and the whole teenage angst thing kicks in...not that I would kill my kid...or anything...like..that...) I mean if you think about it you need to give a baby food, water, a clean place to sleep. You have to pick up after them; their toys, their clothes, their poop etc. OH, and don't forget the toys! Balls with bells, stuffed animals to attack hug...chew toys..i mean "teething" toys etc. (although I'm pretty sure that pet toys are not "BPA FREE" and all toys are "MADE IN CHINA"  anyway so we should assume that some pet toys made it into the baby aisle.....) You have to make sure baby is up to date on their shots and when you take them to the park you have to make sure they "play nice" with others. We teach them tricks like how to wave "bye bye" and how to "sit"...the babies i mean..not the dogs...well dogs too...but OH YOU GET WHAT I MEAN!

I guess the only thing you can't really do with a baby that you can do with a dog is, you can't leave them at home alone while you go and enjoy a nice childless night of clubbing and drinking eating dinner and watching a movie with your other childless friends. And you can't leave a child unattended in a room while you fold the laundry or have guests over. (At least not until they become teenagers and the whole teenage angst kicks in)

** Geez, I'm actually looking forward to the teenage years now...I might be childless because A. I either killed them or B. They'll actually NOT want to spend every waking minute with me!.....one can dream..**

So to all you childless couples out there who have pets: The next time someone passes judgement on you for not having kids, do what people with kids do. Brag about how your cat can flush the toilet and how your dog can wave bye bye in three languages. Bore them with the hundreds of photos you have stored on your iphone and show them the cute outfits you've put together for their next birthday! Then say something snippy like "well at least my nipples didn't turn black and I don't have that pooch on my tummy where the baby used to be.." (or if you do have a pooch *no pun intended* you can insert any other unfortunate pregnancy side effect insult here....there are many...trust me. GOOGLE IT!) AND THEN proceed to direct them to this post.

Thank you.

-little asian girl out~

Thursday, September 6, 2012

"....maybe your baby will be slutty?"

Now, to my audience. 

Before I proceed with this post, I do have to say that if you are one of those people who want to believe that all babies are bouncing bundles of joy, plopped down from heaven to bring us rainbows and sprinkles need not continue to read this email. 

But if you are not, then please go ahead and enjoy! 

*and yes yes, I know that there is a nice cozy place for me in hell for insinuating that a baby could possibly be slutty, but what's a little asian girl to do when something is sooo funny!**

So I joined a baby forum, where myself and other sleep deprived mothers can share stories about baby poop and breast pumps. Basically things that normal people care NOTHING about.... It's quite hilarious; the different types of topics that arise and I can truly say that some people are just idiots! There are plenty of stories of mothers claiming that their babies are GENIUSES who could walk and talk as soon as they exited the womb and a zillion posts about mother's who are worried sick about their constipated babies. BUT the best one was from a mother who was "concerned" about her 6 month old daughter who started to touch her "privacy" The post read something like this:

"Today while I was changing DD's (darling daughter's) diaper, she reached down and definitely "touched" her vagina. I know boys do it, because their privates just are out there, but has anyone had any experience with this?" 

So as I was reading this I was thinking? WHAT? YOUR KID IS ONLY 6 MONTHS OLD, they don't even know that they have arms and legs let alone a private part! I was sure that this mother was just another one of those super drama mama's who cried wolf every time, but then strangely enough other mother's started posting their experiences with this particular situation. 

"Oh, my DD does this too when we're in the bath!"
"Yup, my LO (little one) does this when I'm changing her diaper too!" 

So i thought, hmmm...maybe there's something to this odd behavior presenting itself at such a young age? With the teen pregnancy epidemic on the rise and with our youth being exposed to things WAAYY beyond their years at a younger and younger age, maybe we can predict in some way whether our children are going to contribute or hinder the progress of their generation. For example, if I saw my little asian baby starting to fondle herself at 6 months of age, you betcher ass I'm gonna strap a chastity belt on her by the time she could walk. Or i would be aware of these "tendencies" and if my little asian baby told me one day at 16 yrs old that she was pregnant, I would reflect back and say to myself.."well....I guess I shoulda known...." 

So what I wanted to say to these women (but because I didn't want to sound like a total ass, i didn't) was...."maybe your baby will be slutty?" and hoped that the post would get lost in the shuffle and that MY little asian baby wouldn't have any friends like that in the future....

-little asian girl

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

update on last posting~

So turns out that little asian baby had the roseola virus. It presents like a really bad flu, but actually it's a different virus all together. Good news is that she's on the mend and the worst of it is over. Bad news is that she has a rash over most of her body and I'm afraid people are going to think she has the plague or something. haha.

peace out~

-little asian girl

Sunday, September 2, 2012

I'm so desperate for alone time.........

...that I'm sitting here on my couch at 2am watching little asian baby's disney junior channel. Handy Manny is on. It's a show about a handy man named Manny and his tools, who can talk and move. They speak some words in spanish and I think it's Disney's attempt to introduce kids to new languages and cultures. It's kind of racist if you think about it. Why is the Handy man mexican? And why does the last name of the only asian family on the show have to be Lee? And why do the "lee" kids have SUPER fobby names like Nelson??? Why are their eyes all chinky?? Inquiring minds want to know......

I am sick.
Anyways, little asian baby has had a cold for the past two days. If I haven't mentioned before....

I HATE COLDS!!!!!!!!

if you ever have an enemy, and that enemy has kids. Wish upon them that their kid gets a cold. It will be revenge enough. trust me.

So after a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG weekend (yes yes I am aware that it's only Saturday, but that's how long this one day has been for me) of runny noses, 101 temp fevers, cold medicine stains, whining, crying, screaming, praying. I am sitting here sleep deprived, exhausted, drained, delirious, achy, and alone.

heaven.

oh, and i also ate half a carton of Spumoni ice cream.

L.A.G. out.

(maybe I shouldn't use the acronym.)