"Uh oH"

A few weeks ago, I started a new job at a local church. Yes, yes I said CHURCH! Anyway, since I work at a church my "work day" is basically Sunday. So every Sunday morning I have to leave little asian baby with asian husband while little asian momma goes off the work. It's been kind of a rocky road, since little asian baby had never spent more than an hour or so with asian husband by herself without me, but ever since she turned 17 or so months she has warmed up to daddy quite considerably. (Much to my relief!) 

Now, none of this information that I have just given you has anything to do with the story I'm about to tell, but I just thought it would be nice for you to know! 

So here is what I was going to write about all along. This past Sunday I decided to get up early, well..extra early since we all get up around 7am thanks to little asian baby....... but I decided to get up EXTRA early (6am) so's that I could take a shower, finish assembling Valentine's day cookies for the church people, and still have enough time to get hair and makeup done and be out of the house by NO LATER than 8am. When I awoke from the already precious little sleep I get anyways (thanks again to little asian baby.....) she was still asleep. Now usually, little asian baby sleeps from about 4am to 7am without stirring. How do I know this you ask? Because I'm her mom is the answer. 

However...

As all moms know, the day that you decided to change up any part of the daily routine, even if you just think silently in your mind that this might be something you will do, the little stinkers sense it and they change up their routine too so as to ruin the change you wanted to make. 

Make sense?

So what I mean is, reasonable doubt may get you a free pass in a court of law, but if you have any sort of doubt in your mind that your baby who has been sleeping from 4am-7am for the past 5 months will now all of a sudden wake up at 6am because you decided to be productive and get an early start to the day.....all will be ruined. 

As was the case this past Sunday. As I slowly slipped out of bed to take my shower, I had a feeling in my gut that as soon as I turned the water on and stepped in the shower little asian baby would wake up. I of course took my shower in the second bathroom which is on the other side of the house, but didn't matter. I think little asian baby "sensed" that I was no longer lying next to her. So as I quickly lathered, rinsed and did not repeat, I kept hearing what I thought were "phantom" cries from little asian baby. (that's a real thing by the way, ask any mother. You hear your baby crying all the time, in the shower, while you're sleeping, while your baby is at grandma's and you're out alone......) Then I heard a "thump" which I hoped was just the upstairs neighbor dropping his morning cereal box... (in actuality it was asian husband flinging the door of his bedroom open to run to little asian baby's aid, because momma still hasn't learned that she no longer can control anything...) I quickly rinsed the last of the soap suds off of my body and hoped that when I opened the bathroom door the only sounds in the house would be of asian husband's snoring, but ALAS!!! Cries from little asian baby could be heard from miles away! So what did I do?

I dried myself off in a nano second, wrapped my wet hair turban style, and ran across the living room (sans clothing) to assess the damage. There was asian husband, blurry eyed and still a little dazed trying to comfort little asian baby who was rolling around the bed crying hysterically. I rushed to baby's side and quickly gave her the boob. It calmed her down instantly, but the damage had already been done. There was no going back, to sleep that is. Little asian baby was up, an hour earlier than normal, and I could feel in my bones that this was NOT a good start to the day. 

Little asian baby must have felt the same way, because after she finished nursing, she looked straight up at me and said...

"uh oh."

Yup. My sentiments exactly.

Then she said it again, "Uh OH!" I think to really drive the point home.

Needless to say, she was cranky the rest of the day and asian husband told me that while I was gone baby had a MAJOR meltdown and cried hysterically and wasn't consolable. 

Lesson learned little asian baby. Lesson learned.

-little asian girl out!

young love.....

In lieu of the upcoming Valentine's day, I thought I'd share my thoughts about love.

Now, I'm sure you probably already know, but I am NOT a hopeless romantic by any means. I play on the "Valentine's day is for suckers" team, and I remember telling my mother in high school that I wouldn't want a guy to buy me flowers, because they eventually die and that's just dumb.

Yeah. I'm that girl.

Asian husband is so lucky. .....right?....

Anyway, the reason why I was even thinking about love, was because yesterday while I was at my local hot dog/corn dog fast food joint, I saw two young college kids on, what seemed like, a date. So after I ordered my 15 corn dogs, 5 hot dogs, 4 orders of chili cheese fries, and a root beer float.........

I sat to spy on observe the two young idiots kids, because I like to be nosy and stare and random people doing random things.

As I watched this young couple, girl foolishly giggling at whatever nonsensical joke the guy was making. They were so googly eyed and in their own world, I thought to myself, "Oh young love. So innocent, so pure, so STUPID!"

Ok, so now that I'm 30, married, with a kid and all, I do feel that I can say with (some) authority what love quite possibly could be and most definitely is not.

As I sat and watched the two googley eyed "lovebirds" I just wanted to pull her aside and say "GGIIRRRLLLL....lemme tell you how this "love story" is going to end.."

To you. Young, naive, blinded by "love" girl who's on a date right now at a fast food joint:

"You're probably thinking right now that this is one of the BEST dates you've ever been on right? You're thinking..OH HOW SWEET!! He took me to get fast food! How cute and romantic! We can share chili fries and I can get a milk shake~ I can tell my girlfriends that we laughed and laughed and made silly inside jokes about the annoying cashier. Then after "dinner" we're probably going back to his place and we'll "do it" all night long on his floor futon! Well, reality is, this guy is (sadly) not the first broke ass loser you're going to date. Fast food and futons maybe seem (oddly) romantic and carefree, but trust me. It gets real old. real fast. You'll soon yearn to eat at a place that doesn't have plastic utensils and when you're prince charming's roommate knocks on the door while the two of you are STILL doing it on the futon, because he can't afford a REAL bed....you're gonna wanna drop this dude in a hot minute!"

So as I grabbed my enormous amount of food and walked out the door, I saw the starry eyed couple get in HER car and I thought..

"yeah..that's definitely going to work.."

*siGh* young love. I hope they have a happy Valentine's day and she doesn't get too awestruck by the ring pop he decides to give her.

-little asian girl

"GO GET A JOB!"

Last week, I went to the market with little asian baby. Going anywhere with a toddler is always touch and go. You never know which toddler you're going to be bringing into the market with you. The little asian baby that WAS happy when you put her in the car could turn into grouchy little asian baby on the 5 min drive to the market because the sun was in her face. Or the little asian baby that had just taken a 2.5 hr nap could still be cranky and irritable. It's like opening an Easter egg. A different prize every time!

Anyway, so after I carried her downstairs, loaded her into the car, drove down the street, unloaded her from the car, carried her into the market, and was grabbing the shopping cart, OF COURSE I realized that I had forgotten my wallet at home.

Joy.

So I picked her back up out of the shopping cart, loaded her back into the car, drove back up the street, unloaded her again, carried her up the stairs, grabbed my wallet....and the whole circus came to town again!

(don't worry, I didn't just waste 2 minutes of your day just to tell you every mundane step to taking little asian baby to the market..)

So as I was pulling into the market parking lot (for the second time in 20 minutes) I saw some open spaces right in front! You know the one. Not the handicap one (which really is the best spot...) but you know the one NEXT to the handicap spot that's close enough to the cart collecting thing so that you can put the cart back like a good citizen and also close enough to the market doors, so if you only had a basket you could carry all the bags without needing a trip to the emergency room for a fractured ulna? (yeah, I know that's a bone in the arm!) I was elated that at least I could get a good spot after all the trouble I had gone through, but upon a further (more detailed) look, I saw a white minivan parked HORIZONTALLY across the spot, therefore blocking anyone from taking it. PLUS TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE!! (well at least worse for me..) there seemed to be two high school kids who looked like they had just stepped out of a Vanilla Ice music video standing next to the van.

Now, if you know anything about me so far, you know that I generally dislike all people. BUT young, clueless, plastic gold chain wearing, hat to the side sporting, baggy pants, hanging out in the middle of a parking lot on a school day hooligans ANNOY ME THE MOST!!!!

Now these two "irritants" were standing with the van door open, talking to some other dude who looked like he was still clinging onto his high school glory days (even though he probably was like 30) and when I looked INSIDE the van, it seemed as if the kids were trying to sell some sort of (probably bootlegged, imitation, made in my momma's backyard) electronic equipment!

REALLY?? ARE YOU FOR REAL RIGHT NOW???

needless to say, I was supremely annoyed and wanted to yell out the window.." GO GET A JOB OR AN EDUCATION!!"

but I didn't because they drove off and I got to park in the "good" spot anyway.

that's it.

-little asian girl

Dear adoring fans...

To my dear and loyal fans. I apologize that I haven't blogged in ages. I recently started a new job, (YES I SAID JOB!) So along with being a stay at home mom, I am also gainfully employed. Therefore, I haven't had much time so do anything else, let alone blog. The laundry has been sitting in the dryer (don't worry it's dry) for about a week without being folded. Wrinkles have been permanently set in asian husband's shirts and the only reason I HAD to fold it tonight, was because I need to do a new load tomorrow and (obviously) need the dryer.

So as soon as the "new kid at the new job" thing wears off I'll try to resume blogging at a more normal pace. In the meantime I will try to post as often as I can. I know you're in withdrawal.....

Thanks for reading!

-little asian girl

"Let's see...how do you solve the space-time continuum equation again? Oh right. 10,437 divided by pi to the 7th squared.....multiply that by the mickey mouse algorithum...."

"....carry the 2...."

" I wonder what's for lunch?"

-little asian girl

best day ever.

Little asian baby started out grouchy yesterday morning and after a few mini tantrums about having to change her clothes and having her face wiped, we made it out of the house to run a couple errands.

We went to IKEA (again) to purchase some items, and I have to say here that IKEA is a good 45 minutes away from my house, so it is not an easy or quick errand to run by any means.

At IKEA little asian baby got her little finger slightly squished by a sliding drawer and slightly bonked her head on one of the 147 tables on display. (I say "slightly" because there was no bruising, bleeding or crying for more than literally 3 seconds on both occasions.) But it was still not so great and there is probably surveillance footage of me carrying crying little asian baby.

I also got the ONLY side ways wheeling shopping cart of the 1124 carts they have there, and if you've ever had a side ways wheeling shopping cart while carrying a 20-something pound toddler you KNOW it's HELLA ANNOYING!

After we made it out of IKEA with a few tears and a few magnet boards, the car seat straps decided they would get stuck and refused to recoil. Therefore I couldn't strap little asian baby safely into the car seat. After tugging, plugging, yanking, huffing, puffing, and cursing I called asian husband. He almost had to make the hour drive from work, in the middle of the day, to come fix it for me. (I say "almost" because, well obviously, I figured how to fix it.) Did I also mention that it was 84 degrees in the middle of January? I think I might have sunburn, scoliosis AND strained muscles from being hunched over the car seat in the blistering sun yanking the DAMNED straps!

And on the way home I got lost AGAIN (I SWEAR EVERY TIME I GO TO IKEA I GET LOST COMING HOME, EVEN WITH THE NAVI!) so it added 10 minutes to my already 45 min drive home. PLUS little asian baby decided, that instead of napping like she was suppose to, she would rather scream,

oops..baby just rolled off the couch.

She screamed, shrieked, cried, fussed, ripped her sun protection shade... oh, and made herself gag a few times by putting her hands in her mouth. yay.

Since she wasn't sleeping, I had to give her the tablet to watch cartoons on, which I don't LOVE to do while driving because I feel like I'm allowing her brain to rot and her eyes to become like those hypnotizing swirly circles. But what's a mom to do at this point in the day right?

I decided since she wasn't sleeping I would make one last stop at the bookstore and of course since the stroller was in the garage, I had to hold her in the front carrier. AND OF COURSE SHE FELL ASLEEP WHILE I WAS IN THE STORE!!!!!!!!! It also took me almost an HOUR to finish in the store because every time I asked the employee a question he was like

"oh....."

"um....."

"yeah...."

"I'm not sure actually......"

"let me ask some one...do you want me to check that?"

after I finally got my receipt he said "Have a blessed day!" You can be sure that I wasn't wishing him a "blessed" anything. And of course after I ATTEMPTED and FAILED to transfer sleeping asian baby from the carrier to the car seat she woke up after a not so restful AND short nap and was cranky all the way home.

Yesterday, was also the first day of my first postpartum "cycle" in over two years.

best. day. ever.

-little asian girl.

The Groan Heard Around the WORLD!

Last week little asian baby and I were out running errands. We went here and there and everywhere, and while we were at one of the stores I decided to feed baby a snack.

So there we were walking around the store. Little asian baby meanwhile, was holding a snack container containing cut up strawberries. Now usually baby snack containers are designed to stay sealed even if a semi truck drives over it, but of course in our world as soon as she dropped the container onto the floor it BUSTED open and little pieces of strawberries PLUS their juice went flying. MORTIFIED, I quickly grabbed a diaper wipe to clean up the mess.

HOWEVER....

As soon as the container hit the ground I heard a VERY AUDIBLE GROAN...like "AAAEERRGGGGHH" coming from somewhere behind me. I instantly knew it was one of those disgruntled employees that hated having to clean up after messy little toddlers and shoppers who put the bananas on the shelf next to the cotton T-shirts instead of putting them back in the "grocery" section....

But seriously dude. If he had huffed and puffed any louder, the display of greeting cards across the aisle would have come crashing down! I tried to help him clean up the mess by wiping the strawberry juice with the diaper wipe, but in his annoyed gruff he swept the strawberries away from my wipe with a mini broom and went about his way.

GEESH! RUDE! AAAEERRGGGGHH right back atcha!

I guess next time I should just leave the strawberries at home.

-little asian girl

"well it actually sounded like S H I T..but I'm sure it wasn't.."

Little asian baby has been picking up a lot more words here and there now a days. Some words we teach her like "thank you" and "bye bye" but some words she just learns from family members, friends, good ole television...(and they say TV is bad for you~ HA!) And since I've discovered that being exposed to a word even once is enough to make an imprint on Little Asian baby's brain, I try to tell her the name of every single frickin' thing she comes into contact with. 99% of the time she'll look at me like she understands that I'm telling her "THIS IS A PHONE! CAN YOU SAY PHONE?? PHOONE? PHOOONE!! PHOOOONE!!!!!!!" but chooses NOT to say "phone" and runs off laughing.

But what is a mother of a genius child to do, but still keep trying. right?

So the other day she was trying to get up onto a stool and I was asking her "DO YOU WANT TO SIT?? SIT?? SIT??? SIIITTT?" (yes I always speak in an increased volume when talking to my child as indicated by the ALL CAPS TYPING. I feel if I speak LOUDER she will "get it" quicker. don't judge me.) As I was asking her, she was getting more and more frustrated at the fact that I wasn't just picking her up and plopping her onto the stool and she was starting to attack the stool, so I just helped her onto it and said "SIT".

yes. like a dog.

The next day, little asian baby attempted yet again to get onto the stool, but THIS time she said "sit." Well it actually sounded like "shit", but I figured she was showing me what she had learned yesterday and since she's still learning how to speak couldn't quite get the pronunciation right......

The alternative would have been that even though no one uses profanity in our house or in our lives for that matter, she inherently knows how and when to use it and was expressing her frustration at having to attempt at getting up onto the stool by herself yet again.

shit.

-little asian girl