Whoever invented "spanx" should be shot. Although I do realize that not all women share this opinion, I for one think it's like the poor man's version of lipo. I understand that it is considerably cheaper than liposuction and there's no down time, but it's still an arguably torturous process to go through and the emotional (and some physical) scars that result are the same.
**note...although this email contains information about my dear sister that I find HILARIOUS and does not portray my mother is such a wonderful light, I am NOT trying to poke fun at their expense. I just felt that the experience we had this weekend, when we tried to find spanx for my sister to wear at the wedding was SOOOOOO funny, it made me nearly pee my pants, and I thought we CANNOT be the only one's who have gone through this. And I would like all viewers to know I LOVE MY SISTER and I for one was (and still is) against her wearing these horrid things**
Being a "little asian girl" myself, I have never (and I don't mean to offend anyone...but) had to even venture into that section of the lingerie department at macy's that holds the evil contraptions. However, my sister who has been endowed with a fuller more voluptuous figure than I was not so fortunate. Not that she is extremely overweight by any means, but like every woman, myself included, has some areas that need to be worked on. My mother, being the stage mom that she is (although she of course would NEVER admit it) wanted my sister to wear spanx under her dress so that her figure could look "glamorous" instead of "fat". That's what my mom calls my sister's figure.."glamorous" it's basically like when mom's call their "well fed" boys "husky". They have to cover their minor disappointments with delusions.
Anyways, so there I was with my sister, mom, and poor dad who had to come along with us cuz he needed new dress shoes and a dress shirt, (The whole spanx scenario though he slept through while sitting on the benches outside the fitting rooms...lucky duck!) staring at the what seemed like 100's of different kinds of spanx. Now I remember the days when the lingerie department was mostly comprised of, well, LINGERIE. Lacy thongs, trashy sequined boustier's, and thigh high stockings. But now all I saw were tummy control panties, push up bras with padding so thick you could line a psycho's cell with and of course spanx! Big ones, small ones, sheer ones, and ones with elastic so thick that it was like they just glued rubber bands to it. It was crazy! AND WE HADN'T EVEN TRIED ANY OF THEM ON YET! So after gathering a small sampling of spanx, the three of us ventured optimistically...well my mom was optimistic, my sister was still deciding whether she should be upset/offended or open minded, and I was just looking frantically around for a damn cookie. But off into the dressing room we went.
Now putting on spanx is a three part process, or so it was for us. First my sister had to as least get it on. Since they are spandex material, you have to put them on from the bottom up and then inch them up the contours of your body. However, if you are not that nimble and or even a little bit sweaty, the elastic sticks, CLINGS to your body like saran wrap. So you have to be as cool as a cucumber and know how to maneuver your body so that the elastic doesn't stick to the backs of your knees or small of your back and can stretch amply past your thighs/hips. (and my sister, even with the slightest bit of embarrassment sweats...a lot....i mean when she was little and i mean like in high school, she couldn't even order for herself at a restaurant without blushing...) So after literally like 5 min. of pulling, tugging, huffing and puffing (and i'll blow your house down! oh wait..that's a different story) my sister FINALLY got the spanx on. Now comes the second part, another person has to help you adjust the crinkles and bunches that formed as you tried to squeeze your body into this sausage casing. I know it sounds horrible, but it's a flesh colored elastic tube...a sausage casing is a flesh colored elastic tube! The reason why you can't do it yourself is that the more you try to bend and squirm to straighten things out the worse it gets. You just have to stand there with your arms out while another person embarrassingly (or if your my mom, who was DETERMINED to get her into it, aggressively) put their hands in and out, up, down the spanx to make it sit straight. Now imagine someone running their hands up and the down the INSIDE of your swimsuit WHILE you were wearing it, and that is what it looked like. NEEDLESS TO SAY I ALMOST PASSED OUT FROM TRYING TO HOLD IN MY LAUGHTER. I was turning red/blue from the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. Then the third and final part is the sit test, you have to see if you can actually sit down while wearing this straight jacket of a thing without tearing something or passing out.
After a few more valiant attempts by my sister and incessant bitching from me, my mom finally gave up and said "well it's whatever makes you feel comfortable..." but you could tell she almost threw up in her mouth a little while saying it. My mother as wonderful as she is, always wants "the best for us", that's what she calls it, her inherent need for perfection..."the best for us."
SO HURRAY! NO SPANX!
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