"She looks single..but she's not."

Is what someone said about me recently. I didn't know whether to take it as a compliment or an insult. Did this person think that I acted like a single person instead of a wife and mother? Or maybe they thought "How can she always be so put together, wear 4 in heels, bake 2 dozen cupcakes AND have a toddler???"

Whatever the case, I opt to believe that the latter is true. (Yes, yes, all the months of having all of the vital nutrients sucked out of me by little asian baby due to breastfeeding has made me delirious and delusional.)

Anyway, it got me thinking about my single days. My "glory days" as asian husband pointed out.

OH HOW I MISS THEM SO!

The days where waking up "early" meant anytime before noon, dinner could be eaten at 9:30PM, and your DVR recordings were filled with trashy reality TV shows and episodes of Grey's Anatomy instead of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Bubble Guppies. You could go clubbing every weekend dressed like a hooker and people thought you were FUN and HOT instead of irresponsible and slutty. The days where instead of disposable diapers you had disposable boyfriends and the only REAL responsibility you had was to make sure to remember to take your birth control pill everyday.

Am I right?

Not that I don't love my life now...... ... .. . BUT when I think about who I was then and who I am now it's a WORLD of difference. As I told my mom friends this past weekend,

"I used to be the girl that all the guys would buy drinks for and now...I'm the mom that bakes."

Oh well, I guess it's good that my life has evolved and grown, because if I was STILL that girl who dressed like a hooker out in the clubs every weekend and sleeping in until noon with my disposable boyfriend.....

I'd have my own reality TV show! (Or at least be a cast member in one!) And 20 something year olds the world over would have MY show recorded on their DVR!

-little asian girl

"You're wearing slippy socks..

..not grippy socks, so when you're walking along the dining table bench throwing the cushions off, while making your way to the blinds in an attempt to rip them off....just be careful."

Words I NEVER thought I'd be saying to little asian baby. We were getting ready to leave the house for my sister's bday dinner and was just busy packing everything imaginable for those "just in case she has explosive diahrrea and needs a haz-mat suit.." kind of scenarios. (What? You know that's how you pack when leaving the house with your toddler too. Don't think I'm crazy~!) It's like an act from a circus when we have to leave. Asian husband and I race back and forth packing things like diapers, wipes, baby cup, forks, spoons, birth certificate.. And while we do that, little asian baby has free, unsupervised, well PARTIALLY unsupervised, reign over the house.

So was the case today. During this window of time, little asian baby climbed up onto the dining room bench (yeah, she can do that now) and decided to walk across it while pushing all the pillows in her path onto the floor. Her main objective was to get to the blinds that hang from the window at the end of the bench. She is O-B-S-E-SS-ED with blinds. She just likes to swat them back and forth, peek through them, see if she can hang herself with them...you know..regular toddler stuff. To help you better imagine what the area of the house I am referring to looks like, here is a picture. Oh, and no, my dining area does not always look this festive and neat. Usually there random things all over, but this day was baby's 1st birthday party so I made it look festive and neat. Anyway, the dining bench is where the pillows are and you can see the window to the right with the blinds.

The bench, actually is a long cabinet with doors that slide from side to side. I store small kitchen appliances there, out of sight, but this has nothing to do with the story. I just like to tell you things about my dining area.

Anyway, the point is, that there are many things that I never thought I would do as a parent that I now do. All the time. Things like letting little asian baby watch TV so I can get dinner made or take a shower. Or allow little asian baby to run around the house during meals without sitting in a high chair. But what you THINK you're going to do BEFORE you have kids and what actually happens AFTER you have them are two different things.

Trust me.

Those of you who have kids know what I'm talking about, and those of you who don't have kids yet pass judgement on all us mothers who do...just you wait. And I promise I won't say "I TOLD YOU SO SUCKA!" when you send me your deeply apologetic email. (well I don't really PROMISE..wait..yes I do..no..well....yeah..no I don't.)

I guess instead of "You're wearing slippy socks, not grippy socks, so when you're walking along the dining table bench throwing the cushions off, while making your way to the blinds in an attempt to rip them off...just be careful." I SHOULD of said "No. We do not walk along the bench. We do not throw cushions on the floor. We DO NOT play with the blinds!"

but.

I'm tired.

So I just let her play on the bench.

Now, whoever still thinks that stay at home moms just eat bon bons all day while watching telanovelas, as their babies take 5 hr naps, shouldn't run into me in the parking lot of Gymboree. I'll club you with my kids diaper wipe case and stab you with her baby fork. I don't have the energy to carry a tantrum throwing toddler off the bench and into the living room area 6 ft away for the 10th time that minute, only to have her run back up and onto the bench. Again. I'd rather let her walk the bench peacefully, keep her in good spirits and try to stave off any further meltdowns. And if you reference the above photo, you can see that the table is basically pushed up against the bench and that there is a WALL on the other side so it's not like she could have fallen or anything. Besides, I was sitting within arms reach of her the whole time.

So pass judgement all you want, tell your friends that you know a little asian girl that has NO IDEA how to raise a child, but it's cool. I'm not phased by it. At least for that one moment in time, little asian baby was happy and there was peace in all the land.

Until I had to take her off the bench so that we could leave.....

-little asian girl

My 100th Post!

Dear Parentals,

This is a contract drawn up by me (little asian baby) for you (the parentals) to cement in writing the rules and regulations of the household. This contract is to be signed with your blood, sweat AND tears to ensure the proper and happy upbringing of me (again, little asian baby) by you (again, the parentals). Let it be known that if this contract is breached in any sort of way I will initiate any and or all combinations of the destruction sequences as mentioned below.

First, in regards to discipline. There will be none. I will not be accepting any sort of punishment for my actions. Even if I drop the laptop into the tub or throw my food at the TV, you will smile, promptly clean up the mess and carry on with your day. If you try to give me a time out, sternly say "NO, THAT IS NOT ALLOWED", or try to implement any other sort of boundaries I will:

A. Throw the biggest tantrum the WORLD has ever seen causing family, friends, neighbors, strangers to give you unsolicited advice and question your ability as a parent.
B. Lock myself in the bedroom where only SOME of the cabinets have locks and where one of the outlets doesn't even have a cover.
C. Run around the house destroying everything that is precious, new or valuable to you. (You know I know what those are.)

Second, in regards to food. I will NOT be accepting any offerings of food from you 99% of the time. Only when you figure out the right, temperature, texture, combination of flavors, time of day and amount of food on the spoon will I ALLOW you to feed me 3 bites. If you do not follow these strict protocols I will:

A. Throw the biggest tantrum the WORLD has ever seen causing family, friends, neighbors, strangers to give you unsolicited advice and question your ability as a parent.
B. Go on a hunger strike and force myself to lose 2 pounds.
C. Go back to nursing every two hours like I did when I was a newborn.

Third, in regards to attention. YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO ME AT ALL TIMES OF THE DAY AND NIGHT NO MATTER WHAT! THIS IS NON NEGOTIABLE. Doesn't matter if I'm watching TV and making no sort of contact with you or if I am napping in the other room you must always, ALWAYS be paying attention to me. If you do not then I will:

A. Throw the biggest tantrum the WORLD has ever seen causing family, friends, neighbors, strangers to give you unsolicited advice and question your ability as a parent.
B. Become the worlds CLINGIEST toddler for next four months.
C. Deliver you a swift kick in the head.

Lastly, (but definitely NOT the least of your problems) sleep. I will get AS MUCH AS I WANT, and you will get none. If you try to force me to nap, force me to sleep earlier, force me to wake up later or force me to take more naps in a day than I want I will:

A. Throw the biggest tantrum the WORLD has ever seen causing family, friends, neighbors, strangers to give you unsolicited advice and question your ability as a parent.
B. Wake prematurely from every single nap for as long as I deem appropriate and be irritable and a pain for the rest of the day.
C. Change up my sleep routine everyday so that you will NEVER be able to have a life.

You will happily and willfully sign this agreement, because you brought me into this world and therefore are responsible for my life and well being. I will also require you to love me unconditionally, shower me with hugs and kisses everyday, carry me around like a prince/princess and make sure I don't have any traumatizing, emotionally damaging or physically scarring experiences.

This contract is forever binding and the terms can never be negotiated.

Signed: DAD & MOM        Date: December 29, 2012

No, we didn't teach her how to give the finger..she just came out of the womb knowing how to do that.

-little asian girl

That's parenthood folks!

Anyone who knows little asian baby can say that she has an AMAZING life. Not just AMAZING, but AWESOME, WONDERFUL, LUCKY, ENRICHED, all around SPECTACULAR life.

I mean who wouldn't love a life that requires NO work? At all. You get to play all day, everyday, and not only at the boring old house, but you get to go to parks, play gyms, friend's houses, malls, craft stores, markets, home improvement stores.... And plain old jarred baby food? NO WAY! You get homemade food, that sometimes is SPECIALLY made for you and your constantly changing palate. Never mind that you basically refuse to eat 98% of what your mother makes for you, but imagine if the ONLY choices you had were pureed carrots or peas. You would starve to death. Did I also forget to mention that you have the freedom to pee and poop anywhere, anytime you want? Not only is that awesome, but you don't even have to let anyone know what has happened. Your parents automatically change and clean you up in a timely manner! And even if you've drawn on the wall for the 109th time today and decided to throw all the couch cushions on the floor so that no one can sit comfortably, all you have to do is giggle and your parents forgive and forget for the 1983rd time. Today.

Yup, that's the wonderful life of a toddler.

So this morning, as I was trying to get little asian baby to eat just ONE of the THREE different types of fruit smoothie concoctions I made for her, asian husband said:

"Little baby, you're so lucky that you have such a great mama who makes such delicious things for you to eat!"

Little asian baby said:

 "No."

That's parenthood folks!

-little asian girl

The Christmas Picture

For the past two years, asian husband and his cousins got together for a "Cousins Christmas". Now all the cousins are married with kids of their own and we are all around the same age. Therefore we have kids that range from about 4 months old to 7 years old. Last year we tried taking the first annual 2nd generation cousins picture to commemorate the first annual cousins christmas. And like with all pictures that involve more than one child, it was basically impossible to have all the children, sitting, smiling, and looking in the same direction.

Here is what went down last year:

*Note that little asian baby is not in any of the photos, not because she wasn't there, but because she barely had neck control and definitely could not sit up on her own. She basically would have had to lay down somewhere on the couch and risk getting trampled by her cousins*

So this is how we STARTED out....

"OK EVERYONE WE'RE GOING TO TAKE THE PICTURE!"

Now notice the baby on the very far left, Malakai,  is out of the picture. It was probably because he got off the couch. 

OK, Malakai is back, but now Harvey, whose brother was climbing over him is gone.

Now both Malakai and Harvey are out of the picture, and looks like baby Paxton (baby on the left) is just about done with the picture taking scenario too.

NOW THIS YEAR!!!

TA DA!!!

All looking in (relatively looking in) the same direction, no one is crying, no one is climbing on a sibling, and we even got someone to hold baby Zoey who can't sit up on her own yet. 

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES!!

Now I'm not saying that this picture was easy to get by any means. It wasn't like "OK KIDS PICTURE TIME SAY CHEESE!" In actuality, asian husband took about 20 photos to get this ONE. 

Most of the pictures were like this:

What are the 3 on the right looking at? And why is Paxton LICKING the banister?

and like this...

Little Asian Baby is about to go into meltdown mode...

and even like this...

and there we go into meltdown mode~

But as long as we can prove that we had one good photo, that's all the kids will see and remember and only the parents will know the true story behind the "perfect" photo. 

Maybe it'll be easier next year....

-little asian girl

Mama the Rolling Pin

A poem by little asian girl.

Little asian baby does not sleep through the night.

She wakes by the hour if all is not right.

Little asian mama tries all that she can,

but only the boob will send her off to dreamland.

So all night long mama rolls back and forth,

Left side, right side, then left side of course!

I feel like a rolling pin, I think to myself,

Can I ask Santa for a breastfeeding elf?

"WHEN WILL IT END!" I say almost daily.

Then I think, she's just a baby.

Will I miss it? Probably? Maybe?

But until then I'll just do what works for my baby.

-little asian girl

"oh my."

Is what I said to myself as I glanced back at little asian baby sleeping in her car seat while we were driving to Little O's house for our first Christmas party. Which was SUPER fun by the way! Little O's mom almost took herself out when the champagne cork popped unexpectedly and Baby M's mom almost had a heart attack right there in the kitchen. Good times. Unfortunately, since I'm a lame photographer, these are the only pictures I have from the whole 3 hours we were there. Don't judge me.

Little Asian Baby waiting for something... Little O enjoying a beverage.

ahh! There it is the BUBBLE! Little O still enjoying her beverage.

and !POP! Little O done enjoying her beverage

Anyway, like I said. Fun party. Ok so now back to the point.

As I have mentioned before, traveling anywhere with little asian baby is always an unpredictable venture. Sometimes she'll be perfectly content for the entire trip as long as I play the same Mickey Mouse clubhouse CD OVER AND OVER again while she fiddles with her sun shade, and other times as soon as I open the car door to put her in she starts becoming the spawn of satan. And although she would be perfectly happy bouncing around like a pinball free and unrestrained in the back of the car...the laws of motherhood and this great nation of ours requires me to use a car seat. Don't get me wrong, there are many more good days than bad, now that she's getting older. And I think she understands that sitting in the car seat is NOT negotiable. (although she does try and try and try to renegotiate the terms all the time) However, on the bad days, and especially when she is tired, she screams and squirms and wiggles and writhes...(sounds like an excerpt from one of those "teaching a lesson" stories...like Hansel and Gretel or something..poor kids...) and lately she uses every fiber of her being to try and get out from under the straps. Of course she is unsuccessful, because they make those things so that even Houdini himself couldn't get out from them, but she pulls and yanks and screeches and shrieks (there's that story again..) and when she finally tires herself out she looks like this...

Now as you can see, little asian baby is no longer centered in the seat. She has managed to push herself all the way to one side, using the door as leverage. (as shown by her foot still up against it) She also used her right had to push herself away from the right side, hoping to just eject herself out sideways. She did manage once to free one of her arms from under the straps, but I blame that on poor execution of the initial putting baby in car seat technique. Anyways, so when I finally looked back at little asian baby and saw her like this "OH my" is what I said. Then I promptly pulled into the next available parking lot and shifted her so that she was centered, upright, and not in an acrobatic pose.

So until our next car trip...

-little asian girl signing off

"Stop it...mamma's napping.."

Is what I say to little asian baby as I try to nap along side her.

Well actually, she has already finished with her nap and is ready to continue with her day. I on the other hand, well, am not.

Like any mother,

well like any mother who still nurses her toddler,

and whose toddler only takes one nap a day,

and still doesn't sleep through the night.....

*siGh*

she, meaning I, am very very sleep deprived. I basically haven't had a solid 8 or even a solid 4 hours of sleep since little asian was born SIXTEEN months ago. People think that gold or diamonds are precious commodities, but I don't think so dude (yes, I feel comfortable enough with you to start calling you "dude" and "man") But anyway, in any household with young children, sleep is the most precious and elusive commodity around. I mean most of the time I have no clue what day it is, what time it is, and the last time I took a shower, I completely forgot to wash my body. I just shampooed and conditioned my hair. Sad thing is I didn't even realized until hours later. Oops! Luckily I didn't venture out into public that day, and only asian husband knew what I had, or should I say hadn't done. And the next time we meet, we can all just pretend I don't smell like diaper cream and baby food. Thanks man.

So with all that being said, I try to nap whenever baby naps, but like many stay at home moms who still have to cook and clean and take care of the house I rarely get to do so. However, today I had no laundry to fold, no dishes to wash, all the Christmas presents were wrapped, so I decided to get a few extra Z'z in. (no that wasn't a typo, just showing you how clever I am!) I think I was asleep for maybe 15 minutes when I felt little asian baby roll over me. Yes you read it right, she rolled OVER me. Little booty, legs, and feet in my face and all.

"Stop it...mamma's napping."

Then she decided to try and pull the pillow out from under my head. I guess her logic was, "if momma can't use the pillow then momma can't sleep." At least she's exercising her problem solving skills right? SMARTEST BABY EVER!!

"Stop it....mamma's napping."

When the pillow thing didn't work, she proceeded to LIFT MY FACE! She straight up put her hands under my head and tried to lift, sound effects and all.

"OK OK!"

Next time I'll just sleep on the couch.

-little asian girl