My 100th Post!

Dear Parentals,

This is a contract drawn up by me (little asian baby) for you (the parentals) to cement in writing the rules and regulations of the household. This contract is to be signed with your blood, sweat AND tears to ensure the proper and happy upbringing of me (again, little asian baby) by you (again, the parentals). Let it be known that if this contract is breached in any sort of way I will initiate any and or all combinations of the destruction sequences as mentioned below.

First, in regards to discipline. There will be none. I will not be accepting any sort of punishment for my actions. Even if I drop the laptop into the tub or throw my food at the TV, you will smile, promptly clean up the mess and carry on with your day. If you try to give me a time out, sternly say "NO, THAT IS NOT ALLOWED", or try to implement any other sort of boundaries I will:

A. Throw the biggest tantrum the WORLD has ever seen causing family, friends, neighbors, strangers to give you unsolicited advice and question your ability as a parent.
B. Lock myself in the bedroom where only SOME of the cabinets have locks and where one of the outlets doesn't even have a cover.
C. Run around the house destroying everything that is precious, new or valuable to you. (You know I know what those are.)

Second, in regards to food. I will NOT be accepting any offerings of food from you 99% of the time. Only when you figure out the right, temperature, texture, combination of flavors, time of day and amount of food on the spoon will I ALLOW you to feed me 3 bites. If you do not follow these strict protocols I will:

A. Throw the biggest tantrum the WORLD has ever seen causing family, friends, neighbors, strangers to give you unsolicited advice and question your ability as a parent.
B. Go on a hunger strike and force myself to lose 2 pounds.
C. Go back to nursing every two hours like I did when I was a newborn.

Third, in regards to attention. YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO ME AT ALL TIMES OF THE DAY AND NIGHT NO MATTER WHAT! THIS IS NON NEGOTIABLE. Doesn't matter if I'm watching TV and making no sort of contact with you or if I am napping in the other room you must always, ALWAYS be paying attention to me. If you do not then I will:

A. Throw the biggest tantrum the WORLD has ever seen causing family, friends, neighbors, strangers to give you unsolicited advice and question your ability as a parent.
B. Become the worlds CLINGIEST toddler for next four months.
C. Deliver you a swift kick in the head.

Lastly, (but definitely NOT the least of your problems) sleep. I will get AS MUCH AS I WANT, and you will get none. If you try to force me to nap, force me to sleep earlier, force me to wake up later or force me to take more naps in a day than I want I will:

A. Throw the biggest tantrum the WORLD has ever seen causing family, friends, neighbors, strangers to give you unsolicited advice and question your ability as a parent.
B. Wake prematurely from every single nap for as long as I deem appropriate and be irritable and a pain for the rest of the day.
C. Change up my sleep routine everyday so that you will NEVER be able to have a life.

You will happily and willfully sign this agreement, because you brought me into this world and therefore are responsible for my life and well being. I will also require you to love me unconditionally, shower me with hugs and kisses everyday, carry me around like a prince/princess and make sure I don't have any traumatizing, emotionally damaging or physically scarring experiences.

This contract is forever binding and the terms can never be negotiated.

Signed: DAD & MOM        Date: December 29, 2012

No, we didn't teach her how to give the finger..she just came out of the womb knowing how to do that.

-little asian girl