little asian girl +1

Heelloooo!!! To all my legions of fans.....little asian girl is PREGNANT (and have been for the past 4.5 months) and is having a little asian girl baby!

WHaT?! HuH?!.....i know right?! Which is (by the way) the EXACT reaction that hubby and I had when we found out, because we weren't planning on having a baby any time soon. But alas, the universe had other plans and here we are. 

As you may have guessed already, although little asian girl's adventures are quite....interesting..... to say the least BOY OH BOY is it a doozy when you're pregnant! So starts the series of posts that hopefully will bring some entertainment, laughter, and useful knowledge to the masses on what it is like being a little (pregnant) asian girl.

Now where should I start...soooo many lovely things happen to you when you're pregnant. And although I have had what people say a "dream" pr nab nomnWing sickness, no crazy cravings for pickles sandwiched between fudge pops.....) there still are many things that are not "dreamy" about being pregnant.

Here is a list of my (current) top 5 peeves about what people say or do about pregnancy. I say current cuz my pet peeves change about every 5 minutes or so, but people generally annoy me so this may not be a pregnant thing..(hmmm...something to think about.....)

1. "OH it's so WONDERFUL being pregnant!!" to which I say (not aloud of course~) "really bitch?" 

I mean who is this woman going around telling people that she LOVES being pregnant?! What's so great about it? You're tired all the time, everything you smell makes you gag, people constantly try to touch you, your booty gets bigger by the day... (and I don't care pregnant or not, when you put on your favorite pair of jeans and they no longer zip....it pisses you off) Along with a myriad of other "wonderful" symptoms and side effects of having another human being suck all the life and nutrients out of you. (can you tell I love my baby?! ha) So if I ever find the loud mouthed blogger who has nothing to do all day but blog about her 5th pregnancy and how wonderful it is, i'm going to hit her over the head with the keyboard. (I bet it's that mom on that reality TV show with the 20 kids (and counting!) who takes her clan to Wal-Mart to sing Kum Ba Ya in 10 part harmony for the shoppers....b*iT*h) 

2.  " When my neighbors, son's friend's sister had her baby it was so big that they had to cut a slit down her a**hoLe so that the head would fit!" 

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF STORY IS THAT TO TELL SOMEONE WHO'S NEVER HAD A BABY BEFORE! There is already a plethora of scary, traumatic, and down right disgusting labor/delivery stories out there that I'm sure a neurotic, type A, control freak (like me) has already read about on the web. I don't need to hear ANOTHER story about how another baby died from umbilical cord strangulation after it was delivered. Stupid freakin idiots! 

3. "WOw you gained a lot of weight!" 

*baNgiNg hEad oN tAbLe tOp* yes. you're right. i have gained weight. BUT I'M PREGNANT YOU MORON! THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS! what's you're excuse?! ( I btw have only gained 11 pounds in the past months,and all of it is contained in my stomach, hips and butt regions. No face fat. THANK GOD no face fat)

4. " I think you should name your baby Agnus, or Chad or OH HOW ABOUT Theodora!" (btw, these really are names that people have been suggesting to me)

Really? did I ask you?? I don't give you suggestions on what I think you're name should of been. Don't give me suggestions on what to name my baby. Cuz frankly I don't give a sH*t. and from now on I shall call you princess pea pod. (no offense to anyone named princess pea pod)

Now this final one is not really something that pisses me off per se, but it just shows how men will NEVER really know anything about being pregnant. (lucky bastards) 

So I've been pretty much normal during my pregnancy. Like I said I haven't really had any pregnancy symptoms so I'm like my usual high energy, happy self. But there are days of course when my head is pounding, everything I ate that day has made me nauseous and all I want to do is go to bed and never get out. So I'll say to my Chris " OH I'm SOO tired, and I don't know if I can make dinner tonight" to which he will respond........

5. "just make something easy~"

MAKE SOMETHING EASY?! MAKE SOMETHING EASY?! HOW ABOUT "oh ok, let's order pizza or go to that thai place you like." make something easy....*ACk* YOU MAKE SOMETHING EASY! (now people who are reading this and thinking "oh what a mean pregnant wife" I would like you to know that I have been making him dinner almost every single day pregnant, not pregnant whatever for the past 8 months since we got married!)  AND my sister-in- law, Chris's brother's wife, said she didn't cook her ENTIRE pregnancy and just laid on the couch and order her husband around. So my husband has it easy! 

So here so far is what my life has been like the past four months in a nutshell. A lot of fake smiling and acting interested, trying REALLY hard not to make my eyeballs roll into the back of my head. I still have 5 more months of this to go, hopefully you won't hear news about "crazy pregnant little asian girl strangles innocent bystander with crib sheet" on the news anytime soon. 

There once where 4 sisters....

Lory was the oldest, and therefore the "boss" none of the other sisters really messed around with her. Jane was the second only a mere year younger than Lory, but was more shy and sensitive. Patty was the third, mischievous and easily annoyed. And Kelly, the baby of the bunch and therefore could be quite prissy and bratty at times.

The four girls planned to go on a sister's road trip to Arizona. Three days of gossip, shopping, and relaxing, but at the last minute Kelly couldn't go, so Lory, Jane and Patty decided to go without her. (Much to Kelly's dismay...she pouted a little) So as they were driving along, Lory fell asleep in the car and started snoring. Upon hearing the snores Patty started to scheme and giggle as she quietly snapped photos of her older sister with her camera phone. Lory had her mouth open, head back, and was really knocked out. Jane, who was sitting next to Patty, was embarrassed by the whole situation and was trying to silence the giggles that were coming uncontrollably from within. Patty and Jane (more so Jane) were slightly afraid of what their older sister might do if she found out, but personal entertainment trumped any type of fear they had at that point. Then, Patty proceeded to text the pictures to baby Kelly who back at home, was wishing she could be on the trip with her sisters. Lory later woke up unaware of all that had gone on and the trip proceed without much event.

A few days later, they were sharing these photos with each other and showing them to others, and reliving the fun time they had together. Kelly, although she had missed the trip, was glad that her sister's still thought about her while they were gone. (Cuz God forbid they didn't think about her!) 

Now, while you were reading this story you might have thought "oh how cute these young ladies living out their youth, building bonds of sisterhood and family."

EXCEPT THESE LADIES ARE MY MOTHER AND AUNTS WHO ARE ALL 50 YRS. OLD OR OLDER AND ACTING LIKE LITTLE SCHOOL GIRLS! SNAPPING PHOTOS OF EACH OTHER WHILE THEY'RE SLEEPING AND TAKING 10 MINUTES TO SEND A TEXT BECAUSE THEY FORGOT THEIR GLASSES IN THEIR OTHER PURSE AND CAN'T READ THE PHONE MENU OPTIONS! Can you imagine 3 little korean ladies (and their poor chaufer husbands) all crammed in a minivan, trying to make it to the Grand Canyon? And my aunt kelly sitting at her desk with her bifocals on trying to figure out how to view the pic. text she just received! Muttering to herself "how am I suppose to view this? Why is everything so small? How can I make the picture bigger?" 

*siGh*

"what a crazy bunch of ladies" 

moving. the poor man's work out~

Originally dated July 29, 2010


So in the recent days I have realized ONE thing good about moving. And I don't mean moving in the sense of like moving from one place to a newer place, but the actual physical act of lifting boxes, walking up and down, up and down, UP AND DOWN flights of stairs. So the one good thing is that....

 IT IS A HELL OF A WORK OUT FOR THE BOTTOM HALF OF MY BODY SO MY ASS IS ROCKIN' !!!!!!

Since neither my old apt nor my new "condo" (which is basically an apartment but the money hungry, greedy, grubby, property owners/developers have decided to rename the units as "condos" and charge us extra "home owners association" fee and give us stupid rules like "if you want to change the locks on your house you need to find the same one as all the other door locks so it will look the same." WELL WHAT IF I WANT A PINK GLITTERY DECORATIVE HANDLE WITH KEYPAD ENTRY??!!! AND WHO THE HELL CARES ANYWAY?!

Anyways, I've been walking up and down literally like 60 flights of stairs a day (two flights at each place but I have to go up and down them like a million times each) carrying boxes (aka "weights") so my ass is really going upwards and looking quite plump! The only drawback to this seemingly faultless side effect is that my panties are now fitting a little too snugly and I get wedgies every time I get up to go somewhere, because the panties are no longer covering the whole cheek. So now when I'm in public I have to find secret spots where no is looking so I can pick the wedgie outta my ass, kinda embarrassing, but I'll suffer through it. Besides my aunt gave me a $50 Victoria's Secret gift card for my bridal shower that I still haven't used, so I'll just by some bigger panties and keep the nice ass. 

home ownership...the american dream?

Originally dated July 26, 2010


- paint and supplies to paint your new place with (which you thought would only take two days, but because SOMEONE IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD (which currently is just me and my hubby...and although I am a perfectionist, I'm not talking about myself) is SUCH A PERFECTIONIST it actually took 4 days: $500.00

- couch to put into the newly painted space (that wife told to be delivered, but husband said he would pick up and move himself with warehouse guy to save on delivery charge, and since the couch weighed like 300 lbs and we have no elevator took them over an hour and many ALEEVE tablets to move up two flights of stairs):

$900.00

- new and SUPER CUTE cabinet knobs from Anthropologie that husband says he hates and will have to be returned: $84.00  

- satisfaction of owning your very own home......I SWEAR IF SOMEONE SAYS PRICELESS I'M GONNA SHOVE A CABINET KNOB DOWN THEIR THROAT!

"You're practically gay!!"

Last weekend I went to my grandparents house for my monthly visit. They live really close to us, like only 15 min. away so I try to visit them as often as I can being the WONDERFUL, AMAZING, LOVING, OH SO PERFECT (those are my grandparents words not mine~) granddaughter that I am. My grandmother is a spit fire, who doesn't take no crap from no one and always says what is on her mind. (kinda like someone else i know...hmmmm...little asian girl thought to herself...) 

So I was sitting there laughing hysterically at my grandpa, who has in the recent months gained like 15 lbs and can no longer fit into his suit trousers (seriously there was like a two inch gap between the button and the button hole), and she looked over at me and all of a sudden asked how come I don't got no ta tas!! Well that shut me up right there, and she proceeded to continue on saying that all the women in the family, including herself who at 76 still has like double d's, has them. Well, it is no mystery that I have no ta ta's like i said board with two nails, so whatever i'm not offended. I'M AT PEACE WITH MY BODY! (where is that damn cupcake!!!)

Later that evening........

I was telling Christopher about the comment my grandmother said, and he "jokingly"..."lovingly?" said it's probably because I have too much testosterone in my body. SO I..."jokingly" AND "lovingly" said..."that must mean you're practically gay!" ahahahahahahaa...right??? Well...Chris didn't think that was too funny and he gave me a really offended look which made it even MORE funny to me so I started laughing hysterically and he was not. I think it was more funny to me because, when Chris and I first met he had a group of like literally 15 or so guy friends that went everywhere together. Whenever I would run into him at clubs/parties he and his friends would NEVER have any girls around. It also didn't help that they all still lived at home with their momma's, wore expensive designer clothing, had matching cars (honda s2000's to be exact), and loved to eat out and shop more than me and my girlfriends did. So I used to make fun of him and his friends by saying that my girlfriends and I thought they were all a little "off" aka "gay", but we were wrong, cuz now everyone is getting married. 

To women....just to clarify~

Did you get dressed in the dark?

So every Saturday morning I go to church for morning prayer. It is pretty uneventful considering that it starts at 6 in the morning, and mostly everyone (except me of course!) looks like they just crawled out of bed and grabbed what ever oversized jacket they could find to hide their pj's. Anyway, so as I was sitting there sleeping..i mean listening...to the pastor's sermon, and in walked this lady wearing the MOST HIDEOUS outfit I've seen in a long time and OF COURSE she sat down RIGHT NEXT TO ME! oh the joy. 

Now we all know that retro 80's fashion is totally in...(it's true, I read it on the internet!)  but what happens to 80's fashion in the hands and mind of a fashionista and this lady are two TOTALLY different things.

So let's start with the hair. Now this lady had crimped, and I mean CRIMPED her hair. Then if that wasn't bad enough, she then sprayed it to a crisp with hair spray, like a chola chick, but she's a 40 something korean woman so... THEN to top it all off, she put it half up and half down with a blue bejeweled rinestone clip which was not cute or even that sparkly. It was most likely "hecho in chine" (made in china) because, you could see the dried hot glue around the rinestones and the silver coating was chipping off. I totally hate half up hair do's cuz it reminds me of orlando bloom in Lord of the rings, and even he with that beautiful face, can't pull it off.

Then comes the outfit. MAN OH MAN THE OUTFIT! (insert HUGH sigh and eye blinking roll HERE!)

She was wearing a white t-shirt UNDER a KNIT tank top that had three shades of blue cascading downward with JEAN BERMUDAS. WHAT?! I KNOW!! Not ONLY jean bermudas though,  jean bermudas WITH OPAQUE STOCKINGS! And luckily for us it get's EVEN better..well worse actually, but better for us. With this "lovely" ensemble she also was wearing OPEN TOE wedge sandals with faux LAVENDER leather for the straps, and the shoes also had GOLD GLITTER BOWS glued to the front of them! AWESOME!   

just kill me now. 

but here is the "piece de resistance", as if the outfit wasn't complete enough the way it was, she wore an anklet OVER the stocking which came with matching bracelets (one for each wrist of course) and earrings, and she was wearing them all! (They were however, very appropriately made of cross pendants, so good for her) OMG I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE! My eyes bulged so far out of their sockets that if anyone had looked over at me they would have thought I was having a stroke!

My brain couldn't grasp how any person, man, woman, or 4 yr. old child even, could dress that badly. So to keep my mind from EXPLODING from the thought, I just decided to believe that since it was SO early in the morning, she must have just got dressed in the dark and I prayed for her. 

SPANX.....do i need to say more?

Originally dated May 24, 2010


Whoever invented "spanx" should be shot. Although I do realize that not all women share this opinion, I for one think it's like the poor man's version of lipo. I understand that it is considerably cheaper than liposuction and there's no down time, but it's still an arguably torturous process to go through and the emotional (and some physical) scars that result are the same. 

**note...although this email contains information about my dear sister that I find HILARIOUS and does not portray my mother is such a wonderful light, I am NOT trying to poke fun at their expense. I just felt that the experience we had this weekend, when we tried to find spanx for my sister to wear at the wedding was SOOOOOO funny, it made me nearly pee my pants, and I thought we CANNOT be the only one's who have gone through this. And I would like all viewers to know I LOVE MY SISTER and I for one was (and still is) against her wearing these horrid things**

Being a "little asian girl" myself, I have never (and I don't mean to offend anyone...but) had to even venture into that section of the lingerie department at macy's that holds the evil contraptions. However, my sister who has been endowed with a fuller more voluptuous figure than I was not so fortunate. Not that she is extremely overweight by any means, but like every woman, myself included, has some areas that need to be worked on. My mother, being the stage mom that she is (although she of course would NEVER admit it) wanted my sister to wear spanx under her dress so that her figure could look "glamorous" instead of "fat". That's what my mom calls my sister's figure.."glamorous" it's basically like when mom's call their "well fed" boys "husky". They have to cover their minor disappointments with delusions.

Anyways, so there I was with my sister, mom, and poor dad who had to come along with us cuz he needed new dress shoes and a dress shirt, (The whole spanx scenario though he slept through while sitting on the benches outside the fitting rooms...lucky duck!) staring at the what seemed like 100's of different kinds of spanx. Now I remember the days when the lingerie department was mostly comprised of, well, LINGERIE. Lacy thongs, trashy sequined boustier's, and thigh high stockings. But now all I saw were tummy control panties, push up bras with padding so thick you could line a psycho's cell with and of course spanx! Big ones, small ones, sheer ones, and ones with elastic so thick that it was like they just glued rubber bands to it. It was crazy! AND WE HADN'T EVEN TRIED ANY OF THEM ON YET! So after gathering a small sampling of spanx, the three of us ventured optimistically...well  my mom was optimistic, my sister was still deciding whether she should be upset/offended or open minded, and I was just looking frantically around for a damn cookie. But off into the dressing room we went. 

Now putting on spanx is a three part process, or so it was for us. First my sister had to as least get it on. Since they are spandex material, you have to put them on from the bottom up and then inch them up the contours of your body. However, if you are not that nimble and or even a little bit sweaty, the elastic sticks, CLINGS to your body like saran wrap. So you have to be as cool as a cucumber and know how to maneuver your body so that the elastic doesn't stick to the backs of your knees or small of your back and can stretch amply past your thighs/hips. (and my sister, even with the slightest bit of embarrassment sweats...a lot....i mean when she was little and i mean like in high school, she couldn't even order for herself at a restaurant without blushing...) So after literally like 5 min. of pulling, tugging, huffing and puffing (and i'll blow your house down! oh wait..that's a different story) my sister FINALLY got the spanx on. Now comes the second part, another person has to help you adjust the crinkles and bunches that formed as you tried to squeeze your body into this sausage casing. I know it sounds horrible, but it's a flesh colored elastic tube...a sausage casing is a flesh colored elastic tube! The reason why you can't do it yourself is that the more you try to bend and squirm to straighten things out the worse it gets. You just have to stand there with your arms out while another person embarrassingly (or if your my mom, who was DETERMINED to get her into it, aggressively) put their hands in and out, up, down the spanx to make it sit straight. Now imagine someone running their hands up and the down the INSIDE of your swimsuit WHILE you were wearing it, and that is what it looked like. NEEDLESS TO SAY I ALMOST PASSED OUT FROM TRYING TO HOLD IN MY LAUGHTER. I was turning red/blue from the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. Then the third and final part is the sit test,  you have to see if you can actually sit down while wearing this straight jacket of a thing without tearing something or passing out.  

After a few more valiant attempts by my sister and incessant bitching from me, my mom finally gave up and said "well it's whatever makes you feel comfortable..." but you could tell she almost threw up in her mouth a little while saying it. My mother as wonderful as she is, always wants "the best for us", that's what she calls it, her inherent need for perfection..."the best for us."

SO HURRAY! NO SPANX! 

"Is that a blow up doll??...oh..no it's just a mechanical horse."

Asian husband and I usually drive home everyday in silence because we spend 8 hours in the same room together so what can we really say that we both don't already know. It's like "how was your day today? Well, you should know you were there"  but on Friday as he was driving and I was about to take a blissful cat nap I all of a sudden heard him say "Is that blow up doll?" Now that in itself is a surprising question to ask anyone, unless of course you were at a bachelor party or watching a porno or something, but driving south on the 57 at 5 pm isn't really the time or place that you would expect that kind of question. So I uprighted my chair and looked around and saw a pick-up truck in front of us with what really did seem like a flesh colored statue of some sort on it's truck bed. It took a minute for my eyes to focus on what this peculiar looking thing was since the truck was like 20ft from us, but as we inched closer we realized that it was one of those mechanical horses that kids ride in front of like rite aid or cvs.  It was flesh colored and was positioned to look like it was rearing up so it did kind of look like a standing blow up doll. It was funny.